Why Women Will Never Be as Funny as Men

This weekend, Chicago is “hosting” the Women’s “Funny” Festival. I’m not surprised; Chicago often tries things that fail, like public transit or the Cubs.

That’s right, the loud man in the backward baseball hat is correct… again! Women aren’t funny (at least, not as funny as guys—they might be as funny as a sea lion or a cactus or something). 

Here are the five indisputable* reasons why women will never be as funny as men.

*As the below comment section will surely prove.

1. Women Don’t Need to Be Funny

Nobody wants to be funny.  All comedy is a waste of time that could be better spent studying botany and winter-proofing your home. Humor, however, is the ONLY tool evolution provided men for survival. 

Men, lacking such skills as empathy or hair with volume, need to learn to dance around like monkeys in order to get attention. A woman can walk into a boardroom and people will instantly be wowed by the novelty alone. A male manager better have a really solid zinger about the weather-- or else be forced to rely on his father’s connections.

This is especially true when it comes to mating. Women can sleep with anybody they want, whenever they want. Any woman could proposition Chris Hemsworth during his wedding reception, and he would be legally obligated to accept her offer of whoopie.  Men can only pick up ladies by using humor to distract from the fact that they don’t have Asgardian biceps. Curse Hollywood’s impossible standards!

2. Men Have Got it Covered

There are only so many jokes to go around, and straight white males have mastered them all. 

Male Caucasian comedians have been entertaining the world for years. They’ve already thought of all the bits, sketches and fart routines. Why waste precious energy trying to think of new ones?

According to biased scientific studies, women are already outperforming men in things like education and finance. Can’t men keep the things they are really good at, like comedy, sports and creating laws that govern women’s reproductive rights?

3. It Is Biologically Impossible

The XX chromosome is redundant and boring. Exciting things have multiple letters (like DVD or KY). Terrible, buzz-killy things use a single letter multiple times (like KKK or AA).

Many biological “studies” suggest that the X chromosome is the only thing needed for reproduction and the Y is the “junkyard” genetic material. But so many funny things happen in a junkyard! It’s Sanford and Son! Not Danford and Daughter!

Comedy depends on the sloppy, the useless, the unfathomably violent. You need the odd couple. Without the Oscar Y chromosome, a woman’s genetic code is just a double Felix. 

4. Funny Women Are Scary

Imagine a man making fun of a woman’s weight. It’s familiar, comfortable... as American as Norman Rockwell feeding apple pie to General Patton. 

Now, imagine a woman making fun of a man’s penis size. Cruel, false, humiliating, completely untrue, terrifying, and I swear she’s making it up!

Women who make too many jokes are aggressive. It’s like a beautiful doll has come to life and has started taking cheap shots at imaginary doll problems called “The Patriarchy.” Creepy! They often make jokes about things that are scary, like sexual assault, or uncomfortable, like periods. At least when men joke about such subjects, it’s from a safe outsider’s point of view. 

5. Know Your Audience

People expect men to be funny, and comedy is all about the expected. 

Socialiographers have conducted tests that show a slight majority of women and a vast majority of men consider men to be funnier, and that adds up to an overwhelming majority. To suggest otherwise would just be contrary and rude.

If an audience expects men to be funnier, then it is a woman’s job to be a good hostess and meet those expectations. A female comedian should set up the male comedian, play a background character (like “wife”), and offer cool drinks to the boys backstage. 

It’s just comedy. It’s not like we’re trying to shine a light on the world. 

C.J. Tuor is a graduate of The Second City Conservatory and performs every Saturday night at 9 PM in the DeMaat Theatre with Moxie, A Second City Training Center Ensemble. C.J. also performs at The Annoyance Theatre in Hitch*Cocktails.