5 Movies to Watch on February 14th Instead of Doing Dumb Valentine’s Day Things

Thinking about grabbing a quick bite this weekend? Maybe catching a movie? Think again: restaurants and movie theaters will be thick with jerks in loving relationships, because Valentine’s Day takes a harmless day in February and turns it all red, pink and candy-coated.

Save yourself. Stay home and consider watching these films instead…

1. The Shining

Who DOESN’T relate to Jack Nicholson’s Jack Torrance? You’ve got a stressful work project; it’s cold as hell outside; you love your significant other, but you kind of want to bash their brains in sometimes. Throw in a precocious little kid, and you’ve got yourself a perfect romantic comedy!

2. Secretary

Fifty Shades author E. L. James gave us Christian Grey, but the original “Grey” is James Spader’s E. Edward Grey in Secretary. And bonus: if you thought Maggie Gyllenhaal was the worst thing about The Dark Knight, you get to see her get spanked. A lot.

3. The Silence of the Lambs

Talk about a classic Hollywood “meet cute:” Clarice Starling and Hannibal Lecter are introduced under nutty circumstances (serial killer), can’t connect (separated by glass in a maximum security prison), dance around the issues (eating people) and finally are brought together by a common goal (paralyzing fear). Take THAT, Annie Hall!

4. The Fall

We get it: you sorta kinda wanna see actor Jamie Dornan do sex stuff to women, but you don’t want to actually give in and order up Fifty Shades On Demand. You’re in luck! The BBC series The Fall is on Netflix and features Dornan tying women up. He also kills them and writes about it in his weird journal. If you make it to season two, he has his shirt off a bunch of times.

5. The Baxter

One of the best—but least-seen—romantic comedies of the last ten years, The Baxter stars Michael Showalter and a bunch of the Wet Hot American Summer and Stella gang. A “Baxter” is the good guy who, even though he should, never gets the girl. A movie for hopeless romantics and hipsters alike, cue this film, curl up with your loved one, and stuff yourself with conversation hearts.