Deliver a Breakup Performance Worthy of an Oscar

Valentine’s Day is over, and like a bunch of deflated heart-shaped Walgreen’s balloons, your spent relationship needs to get dumped.

No worries. With the Academy Awards this Sunday, we thought you could use a little Hollywood inspiration to get out of your tired tie-up. Experience a breakup worthy of the Oscars in 3D!

Or at least… inspired by three movies you’ve probably actually seen. (No offense, Foxcatcher. And isn’t Whiplash that Ellen Page roller derby movie?)

DELIVER A .GIF’T

Inspired by: “You’ve Got Mail”

Though the general themes of love in the Hanks-Ryan romantic comedy are forever, your tangible relationship has become as archaic as an @AOL.com email address. Deliver yourself into 2015 the right way and send a breakup .GIF. Feel free to take the time to personalize your own .GIF, or just go onto Giphy.com and search “It’s been over” + “cats.” A series of cute meerkats warming themselves in the sun with the phrase “Meer-ly don’t love you anymore” is sure to make your insignificant other seethe and “aww” at the same time.

Reminder: Get a Gmail account, because no matter the size, an @AOL dick pic is laughable.

SAY NOTHING

Inspired by: “Say Anything”

John Cusack. Ione Skye. Peter Gabriel. No words were needed. The next time you’re invited to endure a double date at his newly fiance’d brother’s mansion (their idea), and they break out the Pictionary (their idea, too) try this: no matter what word you get, draw your best broken heart. Hold the drawing over your head. Wait until your partner gets it. Then exit and drive off.

Reminder: Pull up to the Lillstreet Art Center for a drawing class. That breakup could have taken half the time if your hearts didn’t look like cartoon seagulls.

INACTION ADVENTURE

Inspired by: “Cliffhanger”

Grasp onto the tiny, frayed, ambivalent stitches keeping your relationship together until you are absolutely positive you have a secured a date with Jesse, the former XSport-personal-trainer-turned-wig-specialist at your local United Hair Lines. You only want to break it off with your borefriend/hurlfriend, not be totally alone. You’re not a monster.

Reminder: Watch Cliffhanger with Jesse to gauge the worthiness of your pursuit. If Jesse’s into it, put them on lock, watch Sly Stallone do his thing, and start plotting your next future breakup.

Double Reminder: Research Quick Change.

 Atra Asdou is a writer/performer based in Chicago. She is currently performing through The Second City Training Center’s Severn Darden Graduate Program in the show “No Selfie Control,” now in process Saturdays at 7:30 pm and opening February 28^th at 9pm in the DeMaat Studio.