The Second City Network’s Oscar Predictions

Sunday marks the 87th Academy Awards, a four-hour television spectacle unlike any other (unless you count any of the other ten to twelve awards shows or anniversary specials this past month). With blockbusters like American Sniper facing off against art films like Birdman, who knows who will win?

The answer to that clearly non-rhetorical question is the prognosticators here at The Second City Network. Here are our predictions for who will win—along with who we think deserves to win.       

Best Actor

Who Will Win: Benedict Cumberbatch, The Imitation Game

Out of the 187 movies Benedict Cumberbatch made in 2014, The Imitation Game was probably the best (with Penguins Of Madagascar a close second). Not only does he speak with a perfect English accent for the entire 114 minute run-time, Cumberbatch believably transforms himself physically into a skinny British man.

Who Should Win: Jason Statham, The Expendables 3

Another year, another Oscar snubbing for Jason Statham. Despite the Academy's bias toward British actors, Statham can't overcome their even stronger bias against Actors With Round, Bald Heads (See: Billy Zane, LL Cool J, Vin Diesel). How is it that an award shaped like a sexy bald man never goes to a sexy bald man? The answer: racism.

Best Actress

Who Will Win: Julianne Moore, Still Alice

Julianne Moore is a shoo-in this year for her performance as a woman with early onset Alzheimer's. Or something like that...frankly, I didn’t see that movie. But the good news is no one else did, either. Not being seen by anybody hasn’t held back Oscar winners in the past.

Who Should Win: Grumpy Cat, Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever

Generations from now, 2014 will be remembered as the year the world’s favorite picture of a cat made her debut as the world’s favorite moving picture of a cat (that used to be just a regular picture of one). Yes, everyone’s favorite misanthropic feline, Grumpy Cat, starred in her first movie last year, but the Academy’s longstanding bias against non-human actors left her shut-out of Oscar contention. Hopefully, the Academy will learn to better understand Grumpy Cat’s transcendent talent by the time Grumpy Cat’s Worst Bank Heist Ever comes out in 2016. Until then, Grumpy Cat can hold on to her next most prestigious award—The Most Influential Cat Award of 2012, as named by MSNBC.   

Best Supporting Actress

Who Will Win: Meryl Streep, Into The Woods

Let’s face it: the safe money is always on Streep. After a 40 year career decorated with 19 Oscar wins and 186 nominations (figures approximate), Meryl Streep could make a six-second Vine video of herself sitting on the toilet and get a nod from the Academy.

Who Should Win: Tara Reid, Sharknado 2: The Second One

The Academy is famously averse to nominating films in the “environmental disaster” genre, but how they can so thoroughly overlook the Citizen Kane of environmental disaster movies two times over is anyone’s guess. While Tara lacks Meryl Streep’s flair for accents, Meryl never had to react on-set to an invisible flying shark tornado to be added in post. Moreover, Meryl usually shares the screen with Johnny Depp or Dustin Hoffman or Robert De Niro. Meryl Streep has never had to feign on-screen chemistry with Ian Freaking Ziering.

Best Supporting Actor

Who Will Win: Robert Duvall, The Judge

Robert Duvall is a Hollywood legend, with standout performances in classics as diverse as The Godfather and Apocalypse Now to Newsies and Deep Impact. This legacy of excellence is the main reason the Academy will recognize his performance as a hardened reality talent show judge. (I haven’t seen this one, either.)

Who Should Win: Cam Neely, Dumb & Dumber To

Possibly the most nuanced and powerful film performance of the hockey legend’s career. And if not for that time he scored 50 goals in 44 games for the Bruins in 1994-95, it would count as his best performance in any film/athletic endeavour. Reprising his role as the menacing goon Sea Bass from 1994’s Dumb & Dumber, Neely joins Al Pacino (The Godfather, The Godfather: Part II) as the only actors to repeat a role in a sequel and surpass the greatness of the original.

Best Picture

What Will Win: The Grand Budapest Hotel

From Grand Hotel (1932) to Lost In Translation (2003) to Dunston Checks In (1996), the Academy loves giving Oscars to films set in hotels. Expect this trend to continue with The Grand Budapest Hotel, whose quaint affectations are so superlative you might as well drop the word “twee” from the dictionary altogether and replace it with a picture of Wes Anderson.

What Should Win: Transformers 4: Age Of Extinction

How many Transformers movies does Michael Bay have to make before the Academy honors his genius with an Oscar? 5? 10?! 15?!! Some critics say Bay is too reliant on big ‘splosions. Or that he should have named it “Trans4mers” (which he absolutely should have). But the fact remains that Gwyneth Paltrow has more Oscars than Optimus Prime. And that is a travesty.

Ned Petrie (@nedpetrie) is a Toronto-based actor, writer and 4-time Canadian Comedy Award nominee. He is the co-creator of the animated series Erik The Pillager (BiteTV), co-stars on Crack-Duck (Mondo Media), and will host a game show pilot for CBC Radio 1 this Spring. If you follow Ned on Twitter, he’ll give you $1 million!