Spider-Man Has to Be a White Guy

When I heard a rumor that Marvel was contemplating re-casting Spider-Man with a black or Latino actor, my reverse racism sense started tingling.

Now, you can go online and find many a “fan” Spider-Mansplaining why Peter Parker could only be portrayed by a white guy who looks just like them, but that way lies madness.

Instead, let me boil down the Sinister Six main arguments why our favorite web head’s two major foes are the Green Goblin…and modern representation.

THE COMICS REQUIRE HIM TO BE CAUCASIAN

Who can forget the classic tale where Spidey defeats the dastardly Dr. Octopus by being able to pick which sunscreen SPF would offer the best coverage for the given day, or when he put a stop to the murderous Mysterio by knowing all the words to “Margaritaville”?

If he wasn’t white, these stories about a super-strong radioactive man in a onesie would seem unbelievable.

WE SHOULDN’T JUST GIVE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT

Many internet campaigns are requesting that Donald Glover be given a chance to audition for the role of Peter Parker. 

Glover is a quick-witted nerd who grew up in a non-traditional family setting and felt like an outsider in high school. To give him the part–just because he’s perfect for it–would be classic pandering.

A NEW CHARACTER IS CHEATING

Some suggest that casting an actor of color isn’t the right move. There are rumors that the next movie would feature Miles Morales, the black/Latino Spider-Man from Ultimate Comics.

To which I say, slow your progressive role. Aren’t we being hasty? We’ve only had five Peter Parker movies using two different actors, eight different villains, and about fifty different plots. Don’t you think it’s a little soon to start exploring “new” ideas?

It’s not like anyone else in Hollywood is doing it.

HIS SUPER POWER *IS* APPROPRIATION

Spider-Man gets his amazing abilities by stealing spider culture and claiming it as his own. Does Marvel pay spiders any royalties for his ability to spin a web any size and catch crooks just like flies?

No.

They make millions of dollars showing you how cool it is to stick to walls, but they don’t give a dime to the originators. Does this seem like the actions of anyone other than white people? How dare another ethnicity try to rob us of our most successful practice

MINORITY AUDIENCES WON’T IDENTIFY

One of the core ideas of the Spider-Man mythos is that you should do the right thing no matter what anybody else thinks. Wealth and fame he’s ignored, action* is his reward.

The public calls him a menace. Every time he fights for what he believes in, an old white media mogul delivers a story saying that he shouldn’t get in the way, and that he is going about “helping” all wrong. How could minorities possibly relate to that?

*But not affirmative action

(SOME) PEOPLE WON’T STAND FOR IT

You can never have a successful film franchise where a normally white comic character is played by Samuel L. Jack–Ibris Elb–Jamie Fo—fine.

It’s not like the 1960s Batman TV show had a black woman play Catwoma…

Let’s face it. Movies exist to make money. Studios have to appeal exclusively to white males, because women and minorities never go to the mov—

Okay, okay! Maybe they do, but the studios are mostly run by white men, and just because they have the power to make a social change doesn’t mean they are responsible to do so. Who would even suggest that?!

C.J. Tuor can be seen in the upcoming production of Second City’s Life Hacks, opening March 10th at UP Comedy Club.