DOV CHARNEY
OBJECTIVE
To create a pleasurable work environment. Very pleasurable.
EXPERIENCE
1990 - 2004, Founder/CEO, American Apparel
- Pioneered line of fashionable, sweatshop-free clothing in downtown Los Angeles sweatshops
- Designed non-traditional clothing pieces that real people couldn’t possibly consider wearing
- Increased employee retention by offering raises and bonuses in exchange for not pressing charges
- Slashed typography budget by only using Helvetica
- Launched innovative, cost-saving marketing campaign by publishing unsolicited nude photos of models
- Eliminated need for sexual harassment and sensitivity training by implementing terms like “sluts,” “whores” and “wannabe Jews” into the standard workplace vernacular
- Sold $2 t-shirts for $60
- Created industry-leading interview techniques through the use of masturbation
- Maintained company-wide database of barely legal immigrants and teens
- Frequently dropped pants to "show people MY new product" (A direct quote from my deposition tape!)
1970 - Present, Amateur Pornographer
- Samples available upon request
SKILLS
- Product Development - Marketing
- Management - Self-Gratification
- Alienation - Weirdo Mustaches
- Microsoft Excel
PENIS
- At least 7”
- Samples available upon request.
AWARDS & ACCOLADES
2004, Entrepreneur of the Year, Ernst & Young
2004, Man of the Year, Apparel Magazine
2006, That Was Great! That Blonde Chick Behind the Counter
2008, Retailer of the Year, The Michael Awards
REFERENCES
“He’s not a moral monster.” --Allan Mayer, Board Member, American Apparel
“I thought it was almost normal.” --Irene Morales, Former Employee, American Apparel
“Just look at him.” --YUP Magazine
“Take my word for it: Dov’s a pro.” --Terry Richardson, Professional Photographer
“How much for a pair of socks?” --A Customer