What Does Your Favorite 'American Idol' Say About What Else You Should Have Done With These Last 14 Years?

After fourteen years, American Idol's next season will be its last. And as it draws to a close, it’s time to look back over all the hopeful young faces we gave our attention and love to--and realize that oh god, it’s been fourteen years. Here’s what your favorite winners say about what you should have been doing with the last half of your life.

Kelly Clarkson

Choosing Clarkson means you’re an original and a trailblazer. Which is why right before you got that big promotion, you should have turned to your girlfriend who happened to be the boss' daughter and told her that you didn’t love her. The girl in the polka dot dress would have been waiting outside on a Vespa.

Ruben Studdard

Studdard shows you’re a physically fit person, as he has appeared on The Biggest Loser--while you, of course, used those intervening fourteen years to start and complete medical school and set up your own practice. You had time to do that.

Fantasia Barrino

Fantasia shows that you’re a highly conceptual person who should have written a book by now. Like Fantasia did. In 2005. Despite being functionally illiterate. I’m excited to read yours, though.

Carrie Underwood

Carrie shows that you’re a free spirit! The kind of person who it’s flabbergasting hasn’t had the ambition to take a cross-country road trip by now! But. Also. You weren’t in the live broadcast of The Sound of Music. So. Maybe you’re doing alright.    

Taylor Hicks

Picking Hicks means you’re very earthy, and, in fact, should have already been buried.

Jordin Sparks

Sparks shows you’re nurturing, as she was the youngest winner in AI history. Seventeen. Just a child, really. Like the one you could have had, but you stayed in that night to watch American Idol and you never met that person. Maybe you’ve already got a kid. But not as good as this one would have been. This kid would have rocked.

David Cook

David Cook shows that you should have followed your passion for food, but instead you starved to death. You should have eaten something in the last seven years.

Kris Allen

Kris Allen’s younger brother is a college cheerleading coach. You could have had a fascinating younger brother by now, too. You didn’t push your parents hard enough. This is on you.

Lee DeWyze

DeWyze should remind you of the time you didn’t get cast in your high school’s production of The Wiz. Not just because of the name. If he hasn’t been showing up at the foot of your bed every night to remind you, then Lee owes me some money.

Scotty McCreery

McCreery means you’re deeply spiritual. He missed his first American Idol audition to attend church camp, building the kind of connection with God you could have had if you hadn’t run away from the compound. We’ve always got a cot and a track suit waiting for you.

Phillip Phillips

Phillip Phillips means you’re prone to repetition in your life. And in all your previous lives. You can’t move on until you find that bug you pulled a leg off of in first grade and make amends.

Candice Glover

Glover was the only winner to audition three times before finally being cast--and then won the whole show. It’s that kind of tenacity you should have shown in solving your father’s murder... especially since the killer has been so close to you the entire time.

Caleb Johnson

Caleb Johnson means you’re a passionate person. Maybe too passionate, since it led you to murder your best friend’s father. What’s worse is they’re so close to finding you out.

Nick Fradiani

Since his win less than 48 hours ago, Nick Fradiani has accomplished less than any other American Idol contestant. Easy to see why you would pick him.

TBA

What’s this? Was it all a dream? You leap out of bed, throw open the window and yell to a passing street urchin, “You! Boy! What day is it today?” “Why, it’s Christmas day!” “Yes, but what year?” “2015!” You slide down the wall and gaze at your withered hands. Ah, well. You can always get some last-minute significance out of life by donating your body to science.   

James Freetly is a graduate of the Second City Training Center Conservatory and joins the Severn Darden Graduate Program this spring. He makes up spooky tales with The Improvised Twilight Zone and spooky tweets @JHFreetly.