Happy International Panic Day!

Is this going to be funny enough? Or even just funny?! Why am I even trying comedy when Amy Schumer exists?! Dance like no one's watching, laugh like no one hates your laugh, and just write, because no one's going to read it and the deadline was YESTERDAY. HOLY JODIE FOSTER! ALL SYSTEMS GO!

Yesterday was International Panic Day (and International Picnic Day, incidentally), which is celebrated by overworked people stressing out about their careers/dating life/everything. Some wonder how this is different from any other day, and to those select folks, a chill pill called Lexipro is in order.

But seriously, every day is Panic Day. So let's celebrate!

Ugh, that intro was so cliche. No one likes it. Is this even a real holiday?! What does “real” even mean?! WHO AM I?! Holy Panic at the Disco, YESTERDAY, Atra, YESTERDAY. Cool it. Cool your stupid pipes and write. Breathe in: Marky Mark. Breathe out: Funky Bunch.

Origin Story!!!!

According to ESLHolidayLessons.com, the origin of International Panic Day is said to be, “No one really knows where this day originated.” No. Not today, Internet. Not right now. Please, this article needed to be turned in 32 HOURS AGO. Maybe with a little digging around – what is ESLHolidayLessons.com, anyway? English. As. Second. Language. That was the most credible source?! There is no way out of this one. All is doomed. Calm down. Calm. Down. Breathe in: Joy. Breathe out: Luck Club. Time to get organized.

How To Celebrate Panic Day!!!!

8:30am - Call in Sick
After glorifying busyness for the past six years, you deserve a day off to settle into your Mani-stressed Destiny. Besides, it's not a total lie: The dry patch of skin you wake up to on your cuticle could very well be a sign of the first ever Cordyceps takeover in humans.

8:31-11:59am - Watch Planet Earth “Cordyceps” Episode Again
While doing this, be sure to browse WebMD for rare diseases. Self diagnose. Lay on floor, contemplating what your own mortality means. Repeat a panic-mantra until you can calm yourself enough to...

NO TIME FOR PUNCTUATION. THIS ARTICLE WAS DUE FIVE HUNDRED DAYS AGO.

3:45pm – Double Book Yourself
Skip a lunch date at Eataly with an estranged friend because you also made plans to take 300mg of Adderall in order to buy a stamp at the post office. You have to pay your gas bill, after all. You could pay it online, but the Internet, as ESLHolidayLessons.com has proven, cannot be trusted.

Callbacks about an ESL site, are you freaking kidding me?! Where is the door out this got-damn page?! I need to leave right now.

5:30pm – Refreshments
Go to Starbucks and order a “Tall, Decaf, Iced Americano.” Watch intently as the barista properly prepares your lame drink. When your order is up, throw it out immediately. You're absolutely sure they didn't hear you say Decaf, and you don't want to risk it.

5:30pm- 9pm - Google “People More Successful Than Me," Sob
Hot tears of failure, resentment and self-pity, will form a stagnant puddle on your reddened face. The second you achieve the classic plastic panic button look, hit yourself in the nose and let out siren noises. If this takes the rest of the night to achieve. Let it. At least you will have achieved something.

Solid advice.

9pm-9am Get Back to Bed
Remain with eyes wide open and convince yourself you are nothing. Break this thought-pattern up by periodically browsing Facebook to see everyone doing everything better than you.

IT'S ALMOST THE END OF THE ARTICLE.

TAKE THESE MANTRAS WITH YOU!!!

Don't Stop Believing, that onions give you stank breath and make you gassy so take that Awesome Blossom "for here, please."

Breathe in: Hawaii. Breathe out: Five-0.

The sun will come out tomorrow, and California's drought will continue.

Only ten more minutes... until I poop myself.

ALMOST DONE! GED TO DA CHOPPA! DO IT NOW!

Have a hectic day. And remember, whatever you do, don't stay calm!

Phew.

Atra Asdou is a writer/performer based in Chicago. She recently performed through The Second City Training Center’s Severn Darden Graduate Program in the show “No Selfie Control."