More Distractingly Sexy Professionals

Nobel Prize recipient Sir Tim Hunt recently catapulted himself into the realm of social media, but surprisingly, not for his rockstar discovery of “cyclin” and its role in protein synthesis and the eukaryotic cell-cycle (awesome).

Instead, Hunt irked the masses and was forced to resign from University College London after his self-described “jocular” suggestion that female scientists tend to “fall in love” easily and get too emotional to take feedback.

Some might say this was the appropriate amount of punishment, while others might dispute it--but is anyone bold enough to praise him for dropping a scientific truth bomb? Isn’t it time to acknowledge professional women for the SCOURGE of workplace distractions that they cause?

The market can barely endure it, and meanwhile more and more professional women are ascending the ranks. Like an estrogen-stacked Jenga tower, each woman of integrity that rises up to the top  leaves whole industries wobbling nervously-- especially the following jobs.

Lawyers

In the courtroom, people’s futures hang in the balance. There’s no room on the bench for relationship drama. What’s the point of making structured arguments and objections if a lawyer has pouty lips on her side? What hope do twelve angry men have against one irresistible woman listing the facts? Is justice REALLY blind, or is she just blindfolded to vainly attempt to keep her from winking? Miss trial, indeed.

Olympic Athletes

The Olympics arguably host the most historically honourable form of athletic competition on record, battling back against threats like corruption, commercialization and performance-enhancing drugs. But do any of these come even close to the unfair performance-enhancing power that is girl power? These poor male Olympians are just trying to run, jump and pummel-horse their way to the finish line, and these women (who if pregnant, could potentially lift a BUS) are tossing their hair around athletically and singing their grunt-y siren songs.

How many times have we seen Serena Williams flirt her way to the top of a tournament? Even distinguished Canadian Olympic rower Silken Laumann, now a motivational speaker and author, always somehow returns the discussion topic to her legs...well played, Silken.

Stock Brokers

In this high stakes industry, you need an advisor that’s on point--diligently looking out for your best interests as they always, 100% of-the-time do. You can’t have your interest rate rising while your male broker’s interest is shifting to the huntress in the cubicle next to him. I mean, sure, you could cut out the middle man and go with the female broker--she’s professional and does her job well.

Meanwhile, how many other brokers are cognitively shutting down, helplessly listening in to your financial phone sex? If that happens on a large enough scale, boom. You just crashed the stock market, buddy.        

Surgeons

They say that when a patient goes under the knife, time seems to slow down as operating surgeons shift into a state of hyper-focus to get the job done. But y’know when else time seems to slow down? When you’re falling in LOVE. There’s no worse time to be making an incision than that moment when you realize Dr.Carter is doing that cute thing with her eyebrows that drives you crazy and "Unchained Melody" starts playing in your head. What were you doing agai---uh oh.   

Presidential Nominees

If high-powered jobs are the most dangerous to be influenced by female persuasion, then there is no job more vulnerable than being President of the Free World. It feels like every four years, America only narrowly escapes having a responsible, performance-driven female presidential candidate on the ballot, and that bullet-dodging seems destined to end. The campaign trail alone exposes politicians to countless individuals from every state; it’s like a nationwide Italian wedding, except the bride is a hypnotist, and everyone’s lining up to look into those baby blues. I’m not even going to touch how difficult it would be to be her “running mate;” that title pretty much says it all.

And what if she won? If elected, she’d definitely help bridge the aisle in Congress on most issues, right before it collapsed under its own passionate affection for her. In other words, she’d be as over-powered as she is beloved, and I’m not sure the world can handle a sexy-dictator-Abe-Lincoln without causing some kind of global catastrophe. (I’m looking at you, Hillary...and I can’t stop. None of us can stop!!!)

Steve Hobbs is a Toronto-based actor/comedian/writer, trained in improv and sketch writing through Second City's Conservatory and longform programs. He's also a past senior editor/writer for The Beaverton satiric Canadian news magazine and is best known for his work at Toronto Fringe 2014 in sketch juggernaut "Everything is Fine," as well as with ex-Impatient Theatre Co. headliners "El Fantoma."