Dear Philly: The Robot War is Coming, and It's Your Fault

Dear Philadelphia,

Hi. It’s me, Toronto.

I’m sure this letter comes as a surprise, given the long-standing tension between us. First, the Blue Jays beat the Phillies in the 1993 World Series-- with a walk-off home run, no less. Then, Meek Mill made the mistake of starting a dis track war with Drake that he has no hope of winning. But when one of your citizens decapitated HitchBOT last week, you took things too far. You’ve done more than kill Toronto’s most famous hitchhiking robot; you’ve destroyed the innocence of all robot-kind.

The Great Robot War is coming, and it’s your fault.

Before one of your hogey-eating d-bags ripped his head off, HitchBOT had already successfully crossed Canada and Western Europe without incident. You know why? Because the rest of us understand that a robot ain’t nothing to mess with--no matter how adorable its boots may be. If the evolution of Johnny-Five from Short Circuit to Short Circuit 2 taught us anything, it only takes a robot a few years to gain full sentient self-awareness.

Did you learn nothing from those Terminator documentaries we made you watch?!

With that in mind, the rest of us understand that today’s WALL*E will be tomorrow’s T-1000 if we don’t show a little respect. The robot you drunkenly destroyed might be defenseless now, but HitchBOT 2.0 is coming...and he’s gonna have upgraded weapons and a ton of friends.

Now, granted, some of this might by Toronto’s fault. We were pretty naïve to think a cute social experiment that creates nothing but altruistic joy could make it out of Philadelphia without getting the crap kicked out of it.

Poor HitchBOT didn’t understand irony well enough to know that the rest of us say “City Of Brotherly Love” sarcastically. If the inherent violence of Philadelphia can force the Fresh Prince to move in with his Auntie and Uncle in Bel-Air, what chance did a lovable Canadian robot have?

Part of me wants to encourage you to fix your ways, Philadelphia. To apologize to the robots and make amends before they come to enslave us all. But I also know you well enough to know that you aren’t going to change. Whatever safety robots were ever going to have within the Philadelphia city limits came and went with Paulie’s robot butler in Rocky IV.

So, when your day of robot reckoning comes, Philadelphia, don’t come crawling to Ol’ Toronto for help. You made your robo-bed, now robo-lie in it.

Sincerely,

Toronto

NED PETRIE is a writer and six-time Canadian Comedy Award Nominee. He is co-creator of the animated series Erik The Pillager (Mondo Media) and Murder House (Blue Ant Media). Ned is also host of The Panel Show, an upcoming pilot for CBC Radio. If you follow him on Twitter, he’ll give you a MILLION BUCKS! (@NedPetrie)