How to Be a Hollywood Actress in Her Prime

According to a colorful infographic, women don’t peak until between the ages of thirty-one to forty-four.  For those of us with vaginas and career aspirations in the entertainment industry, this means that just as we are finally hitting our intellectual, creative and physical peaks (and finally having some decent sex on clean sheets in dream catcher-free bedrooms), the jobs we thought we were working toward suddenly vanish like a mirage.

What gives, Hollywood? It’s almost as if the entertainment industry’s time-honored science-and-common-sense illiterate religion of pandering to teenage boys’ boners is creating a failure trap for women in their prime. Take Judy Greer for example—she’s an amazing actress and is consistently cast as a foil for someone far less interesting. I hate to say it you guys, but Hollywood might be kind of sexist.

But! I say, If you can’t beat ‘em, join* ‘em! In the words of every clueless dude I’ve ever talked to about this issue, “it’s never going to change, so you can either whine about it, or you can man up and deal with it.”** Since clueless dudes run the world (and since hearing “man up” always really motivates me as a woman), I now present five strategies for becoming a working Hollywood Actress in her Prime:

Master a few stock roles.

Every actress needs to know her type. Think you’re an individual? Cool. You’re the quirky, long-suffering best friend whose scene-stealing work will end up on the cutting room floor.

Is your body in any way dissimilar to Gisele Bündchen’s? You’re the long-suffering mom who will shoot every scene in the kitchen while washing dishes from behind to highlight whatever statement the costume department is making with your jeans.

Do you have short hair? You’re the nagging long-suffering wife with no lines but lots of “frustrated look out window” directions. Be prepared to chain smoke if the project is set anywhere “rural” or “urban.” 

What do all of these roles have in common? Unless you’re interested in lots of long-suffering empty tropes, you’re in the wrong business/body. Women of color: be sure you can de-code what “sassy” and “strong” mean. Don’t worry about any other adjectives – these are the only two that will be relevant and will just be slapped in front of one of the stock roles above.

Be nice to the media people who have no idea who you are.

A woman in her prime is bad enough. An angry/frustrated/not smiling for any reason woman in her prime is unforgivable. Make sure you’re extra chill and friendly when correcting the press goon interviewing you about the blockbuster film you just allegedly worked on when he keeps calling you “Betty White.” In his defense, even though you’re 41, you are playing Katie Holmes’ grandmother, and you are sucking on a Werther’s Original to keep from screaming.

Don’t worry about the money.

You’ve got to play long-suffering empty tropes for the love of it. Lots of rich, white guys are proponents of this don’t-worry-about-money philosophy, and since they’ve clearly got it figured out and have nothing to gain from your lesser earning potential (I mean, cultural, political and capitol dominance, but, like, nothing MAJOR), I’m inclined to take their word for it. Just a few short years ago, these were the guys with dream catchers in their bedrooms…so they’re clearly deep philosophical thinkers/oblivious to totally co-opting things that don’t belong to them.

Make the most out of your disappearance!

Where are the women who are fifty? Shhhh. They’re all in a super-fun cult. You will have your years forty (thirty-five if you’re not hot but not FUNNY not-hot) though sixty off. Nobody wants to hear your story, benefit from your point of view, or tolerate your appearance as a normal human woman on screen during this period of your life. I hear the island they’re all marooned on has a caftans-only dress code and a never-ending nacho bar. You will emerge, refreshed, somewhere in your mid-sixties to play rapping grandmas, half-dead witches and rocking chair decorations.

Say your prayers every night to Geena Davis…

…And hope that you’ll be one of the lucky ones. Which in this instance means piecing together a career out of thoughtless, thankless roles on the edges of other people’s stories.

*Ruin

**Are you looking for a sure-fire way to get your dream catcher stolen, smashed and left in teeny pieces on your dumb bike? BECAUSE YOU FOUND IT, JAMES. AND I’M NOT EVEN SORRY.

Liz Joynt Sandberg is a graduate of The Second City Training Center’s Music Improv Program and an alum of Infinite Sundaes: An Official House Ensemble of The Second City Training Center. She performs with The Improvised Sondheim Project, Anarchy, Vamp and all over town with her wonderful friends.