Out of Touch Fantasy Football Picks

It’s that time of the year again for the NFL fantasy draft, which means something to someone somewhere. Co-workers you haven’t spoken to or seen in six months are sending out emails, yammering about “who’s looking good this season” and hounding people for money at their desks.

If you’re anything like me, you haven’t really paid much attention to the sport unless your home team was in the Superbowl or a domestic abuse video plagued your newsfeed.  Despite pretty much not watching football since the late 90s/early 2000s during my stint playing riding the bench in grade school (also, they misspelled the last name on my jersey-- MALLEN), I’ve decided to participate. For starters, I know I need the "Barber Brothers."

Here are the rest of my picks for this year’s fantasy draft...based on who I can remember:

• Quarterback:  Cade McNown, Chicago Bears
• Quarterback:  Kordell "Slash" Stewart, Pittsburgh Steelers
• Running Back: Ricky Williams, New Orleans Saints
• Running Back: Tiki Barber, New York Giants
• FB: Mike "A-Train" Alstott, Tampa Bay Buccaneers
• Wide Receivers: Chad Ochocinco, Cincinnati Bengals & Terrell Owens, San Francisco 49ers
• Tight End: Shannon Sharpe, Denver Broncos
• Kicker: Martin "Automatica" Gramatica, Tampa Bay Buccaneers
• Defense: Tampa Bay--Warren Sapp, Ronde Barber, Derrick Brooks, Simeon Rice, John Lynch

Backups:

• RB: Edgerrin James, Indianapolis Colts
• RB: Jerome "The Bus" Bettis, Pittsburgh Steelers
• WR: Randy Moss, Minnesota Vikings
• WR: Keyshawn Johnson, New York Jets
• TE: Tony Gonzalez, Kansas City Chiefs
• WR: Marvin Harrison, Indianapolis Colts
• QB: Tim Couch, Cleveland Browns

Ryan Nallen is an actor, writer and improviser in Chicago. He is a graduate of iO, The Second City Conservatory and the Annoyance Theater.