Times We're Cool with Uber's Surge Pricing

For those new to the crowd-sourced taxi system Uber, surge pricing can be a nasty surprise. During peak hours, Uber drivers will charge double, triple, or even quadruple normal fare for the convenience of letting you ride in their mom’s car.

Surge pricing seems unfair on the surface, but there are a handful of situations where surge pricing might be warranted.

Unlimited Vaping

If your passenger loves to vape and wants to fill your whip with the sickly scent of cherry flavoured dork-mist, you might want to charge a couple bucks extra. They won’t mind--when it comes to smoking? Being healthy is pretty cool.

Intolerably High Hipster Levels

If your passengers demand to discuss the new Mac DeMarco album or request a quick stop-off at a charcuterie, go ahead and surge their whole axe-throwing league. Nothing makes a hipster happier than wasting money on status. Just tell them this is the car St. Vincent drives to her grey hair-dye appointments.

Passenger Wants to Discuss the Dangers of Vaccination

Anti-Vaccination lobbyists are happy to throw around money because they know their children will not survive to inherit the estate. Go ahead and ding those luddites for bringing back Polio.

You’re Missing a Funeral

Grandpa Jessie never supported your dreams to be an Uber driver anyhow, so make the most of his untimely passing and draw some “sad pay.” Speaking of funerals…

Route Takes You Through Hell

Nobody wants to get caught in Hades during rush hour. But if you’re willing to cross the River Styx, you might as well ask for a couple more pennies to pay the ferryman. By the way, hell is a loose definition. The club district after 2am also qualifies.

Need a Few Extra Bucks for Spinning Rims

Uber is all about style. And style is scientifically linked to hubcaps that continue spinning long after it’s necessary. As you apply surge pricing, explain how the next time you pick them up, the rims will whiz around like a redneck sick of waiting for the bathroom at a Kid Rock concert.

They Ask You to Play Their Band’s Demo

This is technically grounds to eject passengers from your moving car. But if they are super keen to share their synthpop re-interpretation of Bible Psalms using found instruments, go ahead and ding them some dineros for pain and suffering. Speaking of unlistenable music…

It’s Bono

Bono’s richer than the government of Ireland, so make sure to gouge that yellow-tinted-sunglasses-wearing dickhead. If he demands a reason for the surge, just say, “you’re getting off easy. I still can’t get your brutal album off my iPod."

Clowns

Look, the day I find someone who’s happy to see a clown is the day I become the majority shareholder of Bing. Worse, these bizarre weirdos usually try to see how many of their brethren they can fit in a car “for the laughs.” Charge them a wig and a nose for your trouble.

Axe Body Spray

Everybody knows Axe Body Spray is the best way to warn women that you’re a potential sexual predator. But what people don’t realize is that the fumes from these walking fraternities can linger, convincing follow-up passengers that you are also brain-damaged and skilled at beer pong. Surge away, that’s danger pay right there.

They Keep Asking if the Car Can Fly

It happens at least once a shift: some idiot hops in and the first thing out of his mouth is, “how high can this car fly?” “Does this flying car use wings, or does it hover like the Back to the Future 2 car?” This guy is going to complain the whole way that you haven’t entered into flying mode, so why not fire up some Lenny Kravitz and charge a little extra?

Joel Buxton (@JoelBuxton) is a writer, stand-up comedian and sketch performer with the multiple Canadian Comedy Award-winning troupe The Sketchersons.