Politely Stalk Celebs the Canadian Way at TIFF

Like the changing leaves signaling autumn’s approach, an explosion of King West red carpets and Starbucks baristas’ bulging forehead veins signals to us Torontonians that the Toronto International Film Festival is in full swing.

If you’re from out of town—or south of the border—and hunting for some celebrity face-time, then you’re probably expecting impossible security and limited interactions ranging from “step back, immediately” to “I’m his convention handler; the only person that talks to Scott Bakula is Scott Bakula.”

But here in Toronto, the rules work a little differently. Not unlike the quirky approachability that drew TIFF here in the first place, the humble, laid-back magic of Canadians has a snake charming effect on A-listers. What sounds like an everyday apologetic “hello” to a Torontonian sounds like a soothing siren song to a Woody Harrelson, helplessly luring him towards the rocks-filled scotch glasses of a Queen West patio.

So for the inner stalker in you, here’s some Canadian-style techniques that might help you get that perfect moment with your famous bud, bud:

Q and Eh?

For the celeb-obsessed, going to film screenings has nothing to do with the art of filmmaking and everything to do with being within eye- and ear-shot of a movie star before slowly melting into appreciative goo. The post-screening Q & A is a great opportunity to make an impression, but instead of wasting your question on something forgettable about cinematography, try a more down-to-Earth approach.

“I heard you filmed near Peterborough, Ontario – uh, do you know Phil?”

Boom. It’s interesting, it’s engaging…and everyone that spends time in that area knows Peterborough Phil, right? Even if they didn’t meet Phil, they just left an opening for that great story about when Phil almost fell in the river. That intense return stare from Michael Shannon screams, “I’ll never forget you.” Decent.

A Polite Dejeuner 

Liberty Village, Yorkville, Queen West…Toronto has more than its fair share of trendy upscale neighbourhoods for Tilda Swinton to nibble on her favourite breakfast arugula leaf. If you’re lucky enough to be sitting a few tables over, you’re faced with some tough social choices if you’re going to say hello without spooking her.

It would be perfectly awkwardly Canadian to walk right up and say, “Perrier, eh? I bet that’s on tap in Hollywood. Big fan!” But for a more urban approach with a greater chance of success, try respectfully ignoring her completely. Don’t make eye contact; don’t acknowledge; just politely eat your meal as if she’s not even there. At the very least, your star or starlet will appreciate the normal meal and be more approachable after dessert, but if you’re lucky enough to get a Justin Long, he might actually beg you to reaffirm that he exists. Yeah, buddy!          

Paparazzohhhhhhh-Canada

Where there’s a famous crotch getting out of a limousine at an after party, there’s an opportunity for a shameless photographer waiting to get his toe in the TMZ door. Whether you’re a professional scumbag— or are just an amateur with a talent for invading personal space and/or framing crotches—don’t worry: there’s a nice Canadian way to do that, too.

Next time you’re planning on setting up in a tree and peering over a fence at naked celebs, take an extra day to write a cordial letter of application to rent that boulevard tree for recreational use. Include two references, offer a credit check, and be prepared to write the weirdest first and last months’ rent checks you’ll ever write. The whole process will come off as so professional and endearing, they might even assume you’re Canadian and invite you in for partially-naked tea. If you tell them what the Toronto housing market is priced like, you’ll get pity photos for sure.     

Red Carpet? Red Cap It!

It’s the most crowded way to see celebrity actors in person, but it’s also the most sure-fire way to make it happen. Red carpet arrivals cost nothing to gawk at and tend to put you somewhere between a Sandra Bullock hug and a Cumberbatch leg-kick, if you time it right. But standing out in those crowds is difficult, so you really have to turn up your Canadian-ness to 11 if you’re going to cut through the noise.

Don’t ask for an autograph— bring a brew! A closed beer isn’t against the law, but frankly, nobody is going to arrest you if ole Clooner decides he wants to shotgun a tallboy with you before watching himself for three hours. When you’re talking to him, ask about the weather, mention Canada’s beer prices/quality, and ask if he’s planning on catching a leaf— sorry, JAYS game while he’s here. You thank him, shake his hand, give him an awkward high five, rattle off directions to your fave bar afterward using names like “Rufus” and “Louis” in place of saying “right” and “left.” Then you send him on his way and tell him to go get ‘er. If you use every tool you’ve got in your Canadian tool bag to make that moment last, you’re front page of the Star, right?      

The Lowest Canadian Denominator 

As a last resort in any situation, you can always mention this particular Canadian, breaking that topical high-profile glass in case of TIFF emergency by name-dropping he who shall not be named. It’s hard to avoid talking about a local public figure that has as many ugly, embarrassing mistakes as an elected official as they do international recognition. So if you have to – if you absolutely, 100% have to and can’t avoid it – just say his name:

Prime Minister Stephen Harper.

…oh, you thought I was going to say Rob Ford? Yeah, he’s a shitty Canadian, too.

Steve Hobbs is a Toronto-based actor/comedian/writer, trained in improv and sketch writing through Second City’s Conservatory and longform programs. He’s also a past senior editor/writer for The Beaverton satiric Canadian news magazine and is best known for his work at Toronto Fringe 2014 in sketch juggernaut “Everything is Fine,” as well as with ex-Impatient Theatre Co. headliners “El Fantoma.”