More Embarrassing Than Death by Selfie

Condé Nast Traveler released a report last week that nabbed the top blue arrow on most of our feeds reporting that selfies were deadlier than shark attacks. SHARK ATTACKS! That's right-- this year, 12 people took themselves out of the gene pool while taking a picture of themselves.

Talk about an embarrassing way to go! But that just begs the question: what’s an even more embarrassing way to die than by selfie? Maybe we could use a few more reminders about these demises to get them trending on our social media, too!

Death by Snickers

Yikes, what a totally humiliating way to go! Still, between 150-200 people die each year from peanut allergies!! Crazy! I mean, why didn't they have the foresight to see that despite the three million people who have severe allergies like theirs, Billy is still gonna bring peanut butter cupcakes for the class on his birthday? Derp.

Death by Apple Pucker

Wow….just…..wow. Some people apparently are too oblivious to realize that they live in a country where friends do let friends drive drunk. Um, duh-doi dummy, nobody’s going to not drive home if they’ve had a few too many Jaeger bombs because they don’t want to deal getting the car tomorrow. Hello, people!

Death by Your Second Amendment Right

The 289 people who are shot in America every day must be kicking themselves for not being aware that they live in a society where pretty much anyone can just buy a gun and shoot them, the idiots!!

Death by Gender Dysphoria

Okay, we get it-- you’re transgender and most people, even those closest to you, don't understand why you feel you can just "choose" to be another gender. Just don't be one of the transgender people who is killed in a hate crime every three days unless you really want to be saying, "d'oh!"

Death by EU

They don't call it the Syrian Refugee Party Fun Time, they call it the Syrian refugee crisis. Dying while looking for a better life?! Sooo cringeworthy! My advice? Don't die like this. Unless you want to look like a real numbnut.

Death by Deep Skin Tone

What a mortifying way to go. I’d be blushing, too, if I walked down the street in a society where the odds of me getting murdered while minding my own business skyrocket due to my darker skin color. Duuuhhhhhh!

Dark. Experimental. Just plain mental. Come check out “Death by Evening,” a mixed-format variety show featuring the talent of the Second City Touring Company. Get info and tickets here. 

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Maggie Smith (@THEJudiDench) is a Chicago-based writer and improviser. She performs at ComedySportz, iO and The Annoyance.