Cheap Holiday Gift Ideas for Cash-Strapped Santas

It’s tough to be poor. You’ll never know the joy of purchasing a basketball team. Or voting Republican. Or buying fancy Christmas presents for your loved ones. Fret no more, my festive friends! Pinch a few pennies by handing out these thoughtful-but-thrifty gifts that would make even Ebenezer Scrooge tip his top hat to you.

A blank poetry journal

Proudly inform the recipient that you’re presenting them with a tome of your poetry. Lots and lots of your poetry. Also, it’s your only copy, so you will be calling frequently to hear your babies read aloud. When the package is opened, prepare for the room to be filled with ecstatic gratitude. For just the cost of a simple lined notebook from Walgreens, you just gave the best gift of all: a sweeping sense of relief.

A length of rope

Guess what? Aside from Netflix, rope is the most useful thing on the planet. Everyone needs some, whether they’re setting up a tire swing, lashing paddle boards to the roof of a 1998 RAV4 or lassoing a runaway police horse that got spooked when you pet it too hard.

A promise to *not* discuss global warming

For one full year, you will solemnly swear to ignore climate change and never mention humanity’s slow-but-inexorable march to extinction. The cockles of your friends’ hearts will be warmed by the gesture—but not by the increasing temperatures. If you are worried this will limit your conversation topics, remember that you can still talk about Al Gore all you want. Go ahead; there’s so much more to him yet to be explored.

DIY vaping juice

I’m sure you’ve seen those cool dudes on the corner puffing mist, but maybe you didn’t know that aside from nicotine, those badasses are also sucking down flavors. Vaping enthusiasts will appreciate that you took the time to design a new, custom flavor juice especially for them. Just squeeze anything hard enough to make it drip. Anything. Then, catch the liquid in a Mason jar. Boom. You’re the mayor of Vape City.

Homemade blood

Nothing says “I love you” more than a fresh pint of primo plasma from a healthy bod. Your lucky pal can store that bag of blood in the freezer, touched by the knowledge that they next time they get shot or stabbed, one sixth of the problem is already solved. If their blood type is incompatible to yours? No problem: the bag of blood doubles as a waterbed for a mouse.

Need to take your mind off of holiday shopping for a couple of hours? Laugh your jingle bells off at Twist Your Dickens, now playing at The Goodman Theater through December 27th! Get tickets here.

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Joel Buxton (@JoelBuxton) is a writer, stand-up and sketch performer based in Toronto.