Shows & Tickets 
Chicago Venue Info 
Classes & Education 
Second City Works 
Second City Network 
Our Legacy 
From the chapter, “Health and Diet”
“(Quietly clears throat) Actually, Aunt Karen, that theory has been widely debunked by a host of peer-reviewed medical journals. Vaccines are totally safe. But in answer to your question, no, we didn’t inoculate the duck a l’orange with thimerosal—that’s a baster.”
From the chapter, “Higher Learning”
“Yes, Laurel; I in fact did know that Christmas trees have roots in paganism. Yes, I’m still getting one. No, I don’t think that makes me a pagan or a hypocrite; I think it makes me a fan of cozy holidays. So your first semester at Antioch College is going well, I take it?”
From the chapter, “Trust”
“No, Aunt Pam, I guess I’ve never really noticed that Dick Cheney has ‘kind eyes.’”
From the chapter, “Benefits”
“No, Mother. I’m not actually moving to Sweden to get a year of parental leave. I was using hyperbole to make a--please, stop crying.”
From the chapter, “Healthcare”
“There were never any death panels, Gram-Gram. We’re not a death panel; we’re your family, and we all love you. Now for the love of God, please come out of the coat closet and finish your creamed corn.”
From the chapter, “Linguistics”
Pa-Paw, my girlfriend isn’t hard of hearing. She’s Asian American. Please stop shouting. She went to Berkeley, for God’s sake—NO, we absolutely do not want to hear the limerick that reminds you of at this time. Pass the damn yeast rolls.
From the chapter, “Just Desserts”
“If you refuse to mute Fox News during the meal, I’m going up to my old bedroom to finish this apple crumble. Yes, I know it’s now mom’s gift wrapping room. Which is odd, because the only gifts I’ve ever received from you in my adult life are gift cards to Cracker Barrel. We don’t even have Cracker Barrels where I live! I don’t even eat breakfast, you soulless monsters! If I get another EFFING $15 Cracker Barrel gift card, I swear to all things good and holy, I’m going to murder someone.”
From the chapter, “History Repeats Itself”
“It’s just a saying, Gram-Gram. I’m not a death panel. Please come out of the cupboard….Gram-Gram? That’s it. I’m moving to Sweden.”
___________________________________________________________
Brooke Preston (@bigu) is a comedy writer and storyteller. Her work has been featured on Reductress, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Robot Butt and right in the middle of her parents’ fridge. She enjoys adventuring with her husband, daughter and two doofy labs, and finding really good deals on cheese.
