Predictions for 2017

What a 2016 it was!

We may have escaped Times Square's glittery terrordome once more-- but just as the shadow of our eventual certain death still looms over us all, so does the New Year, 2017! We know New Year’s resolutions always end in heartbreak and shame, so how about some predictions from the future instead?

The Cubs Will Leave Chicago Forever

2016, The Year That Was: The Cubs won their first title in 108 years, beating the Toronto Blue Jays to become World and Canadian Champions. Kris Bryant was sadly lost when he was torn apart, Beatlemania-style, by fans.

2017 Prediction: The tiring schedule of a daily parade in the suburbs--coupled with thousands of supporters dying in total victorious peace--will lead to the Cubs’ contraction from baseball. Rooftop seats will double in price to look at the Clark Street McDonalds, and Chicago will be left with zero baseball teams.

Sentenced to Eternal Douchedom

2016, The Year That Was: Former biotech CEO Martin Skhreli’s conviction for rich people fraud was thrown out after he agreed to play everyone his private Wu-Tang album as “DJ Martin Skrillex.”

2017 Prediction: Unable to resist being a shitbag, he will violate his parole and be sentenced to a lifetime of that haircut.

Highway to the Subduction Zone

2016, The Year That Was: California was finally ripped into the ocean by a massive earthquake.

2017 Prediction: It is joined in the open waters by the Cascadia region, which will be gently tugged away by a quieter, more introspective and ultimately more satisfying earthquake. You probably haven’t heard of it.

Meet the World Leaders We Need

2016, The Year That Was: Adele and Beyoncé met for coffee in Brooklyn and vanished in a blinding light.

2017 Prediction: They will return with the Starchild. Tumblr users everywhere will come out of their catatonic states, eager to take their orders and re-blog a greater future for all.

Meet the World Leaders We Deserve

2016, The Year That Was: Hillary Clinton won the White House after living baby-eating-first-lemon-video Donald Trump’s announcement that he had won “450 electoral votes. Strong, beautiful votes, the finest electoral college you’ve seen” was proven incorrect.

2017 Prediction: Trump disrupts inauguration, announces run for 2018 presidency. President Clinton’s muscles loosen ever so briefly. Bernie Sanders appointed Secretary of Incredulous Squinting.

Marvel at Marvel

2016, The Year That Was: Dr. Strange grosses $1 billion in first week, after no one could get enough of their childhood favorite, Dr. Strange.

2017 Prediction: The world will be saddened upon learning of the passing of Stan Lee, and even more saddened after learning he actually passed in 1994 and that an 83-year-old Iowa man has been sitting in as a proxy for 20 years, forced by his temp agency to listen to a million people intently discuss topics he has never had interest in. Turns out, he’s also who signed off on Thor: The Dark World.

The People Take to the Streets

2016, The Year That Was: Rahm Emanuel’s Chicago erupted over its long-unchallenged institutionalized police brutality. Massive, unified city forces joined together in support of not only the #BlackLivesMatter movement, but also the very idea that although a citizenry comes from all different backgrounds, it is a civic duty to treat all equal in the eyes of the law. As our government has waged war for much less than that, Chicagoans unanimously agree this is surely a cause worth taking to the streets for in our own backyards.

2017 Prediction: Another Miss Universe controversy? Hot damn, I gotta send that news to all my family and friends!

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Sean Sullivan is a writer for "The Koch Brothers Mystery Show" podcast and hosts a monthly variety show at The Revival in Hyde Park.