Don't Be That "Go, Sportsball?" A-Hole at the Super Bowl Party

So you’ve been invited to a Super Bowl party! Weird. Now what?

I, like you, am what they call an “inside person.” When I am asked by a sports fan to attend their version of the Tony Awards, I panic. Will I say the wrong thing? Wear the wrong colors? Will I accidentally cost the home team extra points because my cheering lacks authenticity?

If you want to make an effort to fit in and extend your social circle beyond your "Dune" meetup group, here are some tips for what you should avoid this Saturday….I mean, Sunday? Right?

Don’t come empty-handed

I usually attend Super Bowl parties because I know that calories don’t count when consumed socially. The energy needed to muster up enthusiasm for small talk more than makes up for eating an entire sausage stick shaped like a Miller Lite bottle.

That being said, I try to pay my way to the corn chip cornucopia by at least bringing a bottle of alcohol. The higher the proof, the less likely the other guests will notice when I lock myself in a broom closet with the shrimp platter. 

Not everybody in a jersey plays in the Super Bowl

If you walk into the living room and see somebody wearing the top half of a uniform with the name of a professional football player on it, know that they are not actually a professional athlete; they are just a cosplay enthusiast. Do not ask for an autograph.

Try to refrain from saying things like “Go, sportsball!”

Sports fans understand some of us don’t like sports. We’ve been too busy attending operas and reading thought pieces on “Fuller House” to learn the rules of games that have existed for decades. It might seem funny to show off how little we know by calling them the “Denver Horsies.”

People who spend their time showing off their ignorance really aren’t impressive—unless they’re a contender for the Republican ticket. People are much more fun when we actually try to participate, as opposed to mocking those who care. It’s like being the person who goes as “themselves” for Halloween when there’s a perfectly good unicorn costume readily available.

Talk to your friends, not the TV

Listen, I love attention as much as the next person. Actually, I love it more and I’m better at it— but even I must come to grips with the fact that all the furniture in the room isn’t arranged to watch me.

Some of us may try and steal focus from the TV by calling attention to the fact that we know exactly what the quarterback should have done or if a commercial was funny. On Super Bowl Sunday, you’re not an individual, you’re part of a team. Responses to the screen should be performed together, like cheers at amazing plays, cooing at cute dogs and Alexander Skarsgårds in commercials or forming a wave extending from the bathroom to your passed-out friend Paul.

Don’t get too angry

Maybe you get really into the game. Maybe Cam Newton’s enthusiastic dances offend your small-town-from-Footloose values. Maybe you placed a quick bet with Vegas and need Graham Gano to put it between the uprights so you can cover the spread. Whatever the case, try to stay calm…and remember everybody is just here to have a good time.

Unless Beyoncé doesn’t join Coldplay in a halftime rendition of “Hymm for the Weekend.” If she’s not there, feel free to riot.

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The Second City is making the Super Bowl even gayer this year. Follow @TheSecondCity and tweet along with our ‪#‎SuperGaySuperBowl‬ party this Sunday.

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C.J. Tuor performs with the improvised drinking thriller “Hitch*Cocktails” every Friday night at The Annoyance Theatre in Chicago.