Protect Your Heart Without Ever Actually Working on Your Fitness

February is American Heart Month! That means we get 29 consecutive days filled with extended periods of prolonged sitting and reading about various cardiovascular and blood vessel diseases—because getting up and doing stuff is hard. To help you get started, here are ways to focus on your heart health that require doing very little with your body.

Engage in some Facebook rage

Breaking up a fight on the street would involve being in decent physical shape—and that’s just too risky. Since one out of every four Americans dies of heart disease, it’s safest to prevent a heart attack by taking your vigilante prowess to the Internet from the safety of your home. Read posts from Donald, Hillary, Ted and Bernie supporters and have at it. You’ll get plenty worked up while remaining sweat-free. When’s the last time you heard about someone dying from over-trolling?

Women be blood-pumpin’

If you’ve recently joined a Zumbacise-Acro-Aqua-Yoga-Spinning class, quit it. Immediately. Instead, spend that time reading up on how products marketed toward women are more expensive than those same products geared toward men via the “Woman Tax.” Yup. Dry cleaning. Deodorant. Shaving cream. They cost women more. You’re probably already in the fat-burning heart rate zone just from reading that.

Quit smoking

Trying extremely hard to look cool can take a toll on the psyche. It's shown that negative emotions can trigger bad heart health. Do your ticker a solid: Ditch the cigarettes and start vaping. You won't ever have to worry about looking cool again.

Avoid being caught red-handed

Did you celebrate National Wear Red Day on Feb. 5? Cool. Wearing special clothes to support cardiovascular disease research might do wonders for the human spirit, but it does nothing to actually prevent death. Don’t give up, though! Combine your desire to proudly show your support with maintaining a quick heart rate with three little words: Smash. And. Grab. Simply steal wearable red items from any store. The subsequent adrenaline rush will do wonders for sustaining a bout of tachycardia!

Try a little Tinder-ness

By Feb. 15, you'll have spent all your money attempting to buy love. This will inevitably leave you completely heartbroken. Resuscitate yourself with a little emergency TLC: Tinder, laziness and credit cards.

Workout…in your mind

Trainers sometimes mention that it’s not enough to just go through the motions during an exercise—you gotta activate the muscles you’re working on by focusing on them. The cardiovascular system is no exception! Work the following into your everyday run-to-the-bus race:

• Close your eyes.
• Focus.
• Imagine your cardiovascular muscle is a sinewy butt doing deep squats.
• Now go catch that bus.

Really, what is exercise but induced physical stress? You can get all the same benefits without ever employing actual fitness. Stay healthy, and take comfort in knowing that absolutely none of this has been approved by the American Heart Association.

This post originally appeared on RedEye Chicago.

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Atra Asdou is a writer/actor/improviser based in Chicago. A graduate of iO, The Second City Training Center and the SCTC’s Severn Darden Program, she can be seen improvising with THE PERM, SPIDER IN THE CAR, and performing in Lookingglass’ BLOOD WEDDING March-April 2016.