The Brutal Senlessness of Random Acts of Kindness Day

You maniacs! You went and blew up kindness into a full-blown holiday! Damn it all to hell!

Oh, I’m over-reacting? That 'Planet of the Apes' paraphrase doesn’t apply, and the encouragement of random acts of kindness all across America on February 17^th is actually a really good idea? I’m sorry, but it’s too late for you, buddy. You’ve already lost the war.

In Canada, we’ve been on the front lines of kindness for years. Apologies to the left of me, “excuse me"s to the right…the horror. No matter where you are, it's like you’re always in church. And not the smite-heavy kind, but the progressive and “nice” kind, where everyone forgives and god just likes to smile and watch. 

Maybe you just haven’t thought this through. On paper, a full day of nothing but altruism obviously doesn’t seem so bad. Terrorism could take a break, Kanye could just stop saying words for a while, the racist bridge troll inside the Donald Trump skin-suit could go visit its family…there’s plenty of people that could use a day off from mean. I mean, how much damage could one little kindness day do?

A lot.

It's not called “Calmly Organized Acts of Kindness” Day

It’s random. It could happen at any time, anywhere, any place, whether you’re ready or not. Deal with it. You get home from work late only to discover that someone broke into your house and fed your cat. BOOM! Kindness. You're walking down the street, when a van pulls up out of nowhere and BOOM! Free gelato EVERYWHERE. It could happen.

Case in point: I got a robo-call out of the blue today that distracted me from getting this article written. Now, I may be the only human being to have ever actually won an all-expenses-paid cruise to the Bahamas, but it doesn’t matter. I didn’t ask for it. I mean, what if that happens while I’m on a date or something? Nothing feels worse than being cockblocked by an unsolicited ship horn blowing in your ear.

I *guess* we're all friends now....

Y’know that feeling when you’re at work talking to a jerk, but you have to be nice to them because you just have to be? That’s everywhere on RAoK Day. Even when both sets of your eyeballs are screaming, “I’d strangle you right now if it was socially acceptable.” But since neither of you can express it, you just play this sick, Machiavellian game and just get along. On the bus. In elevators. Everyone working together and just TRUSTING each other. Gross.

Total anarchy is inevitable, guys

Haley Joel Osment’s patented 'Pay It Forward' science has shown us that as the one-day kindness fad catches on, high-profile curmudgeons will eventually all hop on the kindness bandwagon. But as the Koch Brothers' tiny, shriveled hearts grow four sizes too fast, their tidal wave of donations is going to upset the very foundation of the economic pyramid: the homeless.

Suddenly, you’ve got the less fortunate getting opportunities and becoming "fortunate,” while the middle class rapidly expands?! How is that going work?!

I mean, if greed is on its way out, how is Martin Shkreli going to afford his next Wu-Tang album? Is he going to start being nice to AIDS patients just because EVERYONE is and it's the right thing to do??

So there you have it. You’ve heard my warning. If you want to risk turning America into a "nicer" place--then by all means, celebrate “Random Acts of Kindness Day.” Just be careful. It might catch on.

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Steve Hobbs is a Toronto-based actor/comedian/writer, trained in improv and sketch writing through Second City’s Conservatory and longform programs. He’s also a past senior editor/writer for The Beaverton satiric Canadian news magazine and is best known for his work at Toronto Fringe 2014 in sketch juggernaut “Everything is Fine,” as well as with ex-Impatient Theatre Co. headliners “El Fantoma.”