5 Catch-22 Supreme Court Justice Nominees for Republicans

The passing of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia has been mourned by right-wing lawmakers all across America, but particularly in the Senate, where the fear is all too real that Muslim/Kenyan/Communist Barack Obama, as “President*,” would nominate a more liberal justice to succeed him. As a preventative measure, Republican leaders in Congress announced that they would delay and block any action by the Obama administration to fill the open position until the president’s term is over in January.

They may regret that decision once they see the nominees on Obama’s short list:

Guns

Yikes, what a pickle for Mitch McConnell and friends. Doesn’t barring Obama’s nomination of a Big Wheelbarrow Full of Guns from the Supreme Court basically mean that Senate Republicans are taking a fat, steamy dump on the 2nd Amendment to the Constitution? It’s gonna be pretty hard to come up with an argument for why Guns don’t belong in the highest court of the land. I mean, we can’t even argue them out of schools.

A Traditional Definition of Marriage

Another curveball from Barack Obama. Sure, Senator Mike Lee may be able to argue that letting an abstraction become a Supreme Court justice is wrong… but if you say no to the Traditional Definition, you might as well just hand over the nomination to A Better Definition of Marriage, and nobody wants that.

A Fetus

How you gonna make a lady carry an unwanted pregnancy to term while you remove an Unborn Baby from the courtroom?

Ronald Reagan’s Ghost

No Republican in his right(-wing) mind would want to take on the legacy of Reagan himself, and it would be absolute political suicide to earn a reputation as the Gipper’s Ghostbuster. What do you do when telling Obama “yes” means telling Reagan “no”? If you’re Ted Cruz, probably your head explodes.

The Lord

If you want to make sure God stays in politics, ya gotta let Him sit on the Supreme Court. Although, with His stated policies in favor of wealth redistribution and against war, discrimination and unregulated money lending, you’d be better off just giving the seat to Elizabeth Warren.

* “Not my President!”

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Follow more of Alan Linic’s (@alanlinic) writing at nomadwriting.tumblr.com.