Stuff to Look Forward to Now That Chicago’s Red-Light Tickets Are Void

Circuit Court Judge Kathleen Kennedy ruled last week that Chicago’s red-light and speed-camera ticket system violates the “fundamental principles of justice, equity and good conscience” and declared the resulting ticketed violations void.

Void. As in, not valid. As in, IT NEVER HAPPENED, BABY. And with that news, motorists and fast-pedaling Potbelly delivery bike riders ticketed since 2003 just might be looking forward to a refund in the coming months. Aside from the relief of no longer worrying about acquiring hundreds of tickets per day or rear-ending someone while slamming on the brakes for a one-second yellow light, here are some other things Chicagoans can look forward to.

Playing air guitar on top of the Wolfmobile again

Remember how you and your buddy Stiles and had to retire riding on top of the van after getting hit with red-light ticket after red-light ticket? Looks like you’re back in business now. Go ahead and cruise through intersections howling and tossing cans at your dad while blaring “Surfin' USA.” Like you did back in the good ol’ days.

Welcome back, Tokyo drifting

Time machines may not be real, but the ability to start Tokyo drifting like it’s 2006 again is. With cameras no longer penalizing you for turning right on red, floor it up to the yellow and drift as fast as humanly possible directly into the Chipotle parking lot.

Call of the turd alert

The persistent school zone bullying on your way to work will finally end with the abolishment of school zone speed cameras. No longer must you endure the daily insults of kids addressing you as "Mr. Turd" while you mosey along in your 1996 Geo Prizm. Take that, you 12-year-old 15k Instagram follower-having trash bags.

No more exploding buses

Phew. City buses rigged with speed-sensitive bombs won’t have to just explode all over the city due to drivers punching the breaks at intersections to avoid a ticket. Now, commuters can rest easy as CTA drivers race across the city at a constant 50 mph without contest.

Less jury duty opportunities

Apologies if you’re the kind of person who loves spending three months on a traffic court jury listening to five hours a day of motorists and their loved ones taking the stand to cite weather conditions. Even more disappointing, this also means that your chances have also been lowered of potentially running into that soft-spoken man-baby Ken Kratz around the courthouse and giving him a piece of your mind.

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Ryan Nallen (@theRyanNallen) is an actor, writer and improviser in Chicago. He is a graduate of iO, The Second City Conservatory and the Annoyance Theater. Ryannallen.com.