Who Won Last Night’s “Who Won the Debate?” Debate?

As last night’s GOP debate came to a close, media outlets lit up with confident declarations of who won the debate. But who amongst these speculators is truly winning the “Who Won the Debate?” debate?

Fortune

'Fortune' is taking a hard stance that Rubio won Thursday’s showdown among the remaining Republican candidates. The reputed business publication mentions that the senator’s performance may not have been enough to make a dent in Trump’s momentum, but they cite his wit and humor as a successful tactic. It’s important when debating about a debate to be funny, I guess. Unfortunately, 'Fortune' didn’t practice what they preached-- their article did not contain a single joke. If they want to win this debate about debates, and they say GOP debate winner Marco Rubio “[did so] with a sense of humor,” then they really need to throw some ha-has at us. The closest thing in the article to a joke I could find was when they said “the country’s ‘knottiest’ problems.” Knottiest is a funny word; I’ll give ‘em that.

Fox News

Fox News relished another opportunity to blather for hours on end. Overall, they also agree with the opinion that Rubio won, but also cut the candidate down to size by repeatedly saying things like, “It’s too late,” “You can’t out-Trump Trump” and “He doesn’t even have any money!” The network scores extra points for disagreeing with one another over and over and basically flip-flopping back to saying that Trump actually won.

Strangers on Twitter

Using the #GOPdebate throughout, Twitter users were able to make lightning-fast decisions on who was #winning the debate. Here’s what they had going for themselves:

• Swearing
• General ignorance
• Out-of-context pics

My Aunt Dana on Facebook

A fresh new voice in the debate stratosphere! She was pretty vocal that Trump won, but she was also a little distracted by her questionable stances on immigration and dump cake recipes. Let’s keep her in the mix and not rule her out quite yet as the big winner.

A Guy on the Train 

While riding the Red line last night, I overheard a guy on his phone analyzing the candidates’ performances, noting, “Two orders of the Pad Thai, and can you put extra lime on the side?” This guy was making some enthralling points. He continued, “Is the soup spicy? Okay. Can you make it spicy, though?” Sounds like a Trump man to me.

My Magic 8-Ball

When I asked a Magic 8 Ball who won the debate, the response from this master debate caller was “Ask Again Later.” So I did, and about two hours later asked again. The response? “Ask Again Later.” Whoa. Very insightful-- the GOP nomination is hardly locked up yet. It’s still anyone’s game!

And the Winner Is…

Twitter. If you disagree and would like to debate me about my stance on who has unequivocally won the debate on the “Who Won the Debate?” debate, feel free to share your thoughts by taking to social media. Just really get your thoughts and emotions out there. We need ‘em! If we weren’t constantly disagreeing with one another, what else could we be focusing our attention on?!

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Jake Grafstein (@jokelaughstein) is a Chicago based improviser and writer. He loves all soups and all pies. Follow his podcast Not Your Business where he gets personal with local business owners.