Welcome To Ted Cruz's NASA

Senator Ted Cruz, a deeply conservative and religious presence in the senate, was recently named Chairman of the Subcommittee on Science, Space, and Competitiveness. He delivered a statement in January entitled, “Focus NASA on Its Core Mission: Exploring Space, and More of It.”

The Second City Network has uncovered notes from that speech, including a visual guide to the solar system and accompanying key, as drafted by Sen. Cruz himself. Below is the senator's drawing of the solar system and his notes on each planet:

1. Mercury: This is the one that looks like a pea! It is very hot and small!
2. Venus: Very mysterious. Women from here. Consider denying existence of/converting to headquarters for EPA.

3. Earth: This is where my house is!! !
4. Earth Moon: Potential site of future “Ted Cruz Fun Theme Park.” Could host competitive competitions here (races, pie eating, the one where you stab the knife in between your fingers)! Light side to run on solar energy (from sun!), appease climate freaks. Dark side to run on tire fire (from rubber!), appease me.
5. Mars: The red one! Men from here. This planet = cool.
6. Jupiter: Full of hot air LIKE OBAMA HAHAHAH *fun joke to use with new NASA friends!
7. Saturn: Gay Jupiter

8. Uranus: LOL

9. Neptune: Pretty cold but also there are some oceans here, maybe. Talk to Rubio re: moving Earth’s oceans to Neptune, replacing Earth’s oceans with rocket ships! (This is a v. cool idea!)

     10.  Neptune's Bitch: Make this a planet again. It was fun when this was a planet!

11. Alien bad guy: Consider building wall around rest of solar system.
12. Hale-bopp: Hale-bopp ya’ can’t stop! Note: check if people still love N*Sync
13. Stars: Shoot for moon (see no. 4), land in these **end speeches on motivational note! VERY NICE, TEDDY!

Carley Moseley is a Chicago-based writer and performer. She tweets pretty sporadically (@carleymoseley) and loves her family a bunch.