Get Turnt to the Extreme This Lent

Lent is one siiiiick weeks-long party. It’s so turnt that it’s literally of biblical proportions, brah! I mean, why waste your time on amateur hours like Mardi Gras, Spring Break and St. Patrick’s Day when when you can mirror Jesus’ pre-Easter journey in the desert and just abstain from something hardcore for a while? Doesn’t that sound noice?!

I mean, any Johnny Pagan can drop their favorite fatty food or social media platform for a few weeks. If you wanna do what J.C. did— take it to the extreme.

Give up your relationship

It’s not you; it’s Lent. Look your partner right in the eye and tell him or her that God wants you to be single right now. Better yet, do it in church, and it’s a guaranteed non-argument. Maybe this is an especially difficult task because you’ve got a real Christian Mingle hottie on your hands. But hey, the bigger the sacrifice, the more party points with the Big Guy.

Turn in your V-card

What better way to make a sacrifice worthy of an MTV reality special than to give up your own virginity?! Say goodbye to your innocence for a “while” and spend a few weeks awkwardly fumbling through some sexual experiences. Now, I know this could be rough if you’re a devout unmarried Catholic, but if God didn’t want some limits pushed, he wouldn’t have allowed the trampoline/basketball mash-up that is SlamBall to happen. Stick to missionary position, and you’ll be fine.

Nice guys ascend last

It’s pretty much a given that heaven is chock-full of good, “vanilla” people. But how many bad boys do you think are up there? How many souls have knocked a cup full of change out of a homeless guy’s hand and stood proudly with a halo over their head? If you give up “being nice” for Lent, you’re guaranteed to stand out on whatever list St. Peter is holding and totally won’t be forgotten anytime soon.

An eye for an aight

Give up your vision. Completely. Sure, you could just blindfold yourself, but I can’t think of a more extreme, Old Testament-y act than actually gouging one of your own eyes out. You get a thumbs up for referencing a biblical miracle (shout-outs to Jericho), and you can cross your fingers that you get a little Jesus-wink with a miracle attached when Lent is over. Worst case scenario, you’re the Christian equivalent of Marvel’s Daredevil, and that Easter Sunday dinner smells, tastes, feels, and sounds 4000% times better!

Ghost yourself

Being corporeal sucks! There’s nothing more awe-inspiring and extreme than discarding your own body for Lent. Sure, they party pretty hard at festivals like Burning Man, but they don’t actually fully “burn a man.” You’re too extreme to be physically alive.

Congratulations, brah. You’ve made the ultimate sacrifice. WOOOOO! (Smashes bottle of consecrated wine.)

This post also appeared at RedEyeChicago.com.

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Steve Hobbs is a Toronto-based actor, comedian and writer.