How You Should Feel About Political Issues (According to Your Facebook Feed)

We’re less than a week away from the Illinois primaries, and some of you still haven’t decided which candidate is going to accept your rose. Some of you might be so gripped with fear by Donald Trump’s Phoenix-like political ascension (illustrated in full color on Ben Affleck’s back) that you’re huddled on your floor in the fetal position. Either way, you’ve got some shit to sort out. And just like Ben (the Bachelor, not Affleck again) dropping the big L-word on both JoJo and Lauren, some of us can’t choose between our lovable, political sweethearts.  What are we to do?

Jump on Facebook, of course! There’s no better resource for unbiased, trusted news about the candidates and their policies. Here’s what the 1,265 friendly political aides in your feed are saying about the candidates and issues that matter:

Your Dad

“Why couldn’t Bernie pass this whole ‘free college’ thing before I spent $100,000 on my daughter’s liberal arts degree?”

Your Former Drug Addict Cousin Who Recently Found Jesus

“A baby grows fingernails at 9 weeks.”

[Badly Photoshopped pic of fetus holding a crucifix with Trump nailed to it]

Kendra, Your College Friend Who Introduced You to "The Feminine Mystique"

“Still trying to unpack Gloria Steinem's attack on post-post-post modern feminism. Bernie 2016.”

Guy in Your Level 1 Improv Class That Played a Loud Dad in Every Scene

“Hillary will never beat Trump in the general election, so a vote for her is a vote for modern-day Hitler.”

Sister-in-Law Who Still Breastfeeds Your 4-Year-Old Nephew

“#Blessed that we live in a free country and not under ISIS rule.  #momlife #squadgoals #winewednesdays”

Co-Worker Who Tried to Coerce You Into a Pyramid Scheme Under the Guise of a Girls’ Night Out

“Don’t miss our Election Day sale! Bring your voting slip in for 2% off your first $1,000 purchase!”

Your Mom

“If Hillary was a man, she would’ve been the first (and most qualified) President Clinton.”

Your Goddamn Cousin Again

“Share If You Think We Should Be One Nation Under God”  

[Badly Photoshopped pic of the White House holding a crucifix with Trump nailed to it. Wearing a 9/11 hat.]

Cham, Who You Once Dated for a Month And Now Lives in Oklahoma with 4 Kids

[His last post was in 2009. It’s a pic of his dog sniffing a pile of autumn leaves.]

Marjorie, Who You Totally Wanted to BE in High School and Also She Knew the Lyrics to Every Pearl Jam Song

“We live in a rigged system. We’re forced to pick between two parties, neither of which truly represent the interests of everyday Americans. When we’re given a viable, populist candidate, we’re told he’s unelectable. When a woman mounts a solid campaign, we launch personal attacks. When a wild-haired, racist demigod flies in on a dragon of destruction, we open the gates like the citizens of Troy. Our system is designed to reward avarice and ignorance, keeping people in the dark so they cannot see the dark machinations that truly drive the engine of this nation.”

One Last Thing from Your Cousin

[A picture of a crucifix, holding a crucifix with Trump nailed to it, taking the oath of office]

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Liz Reuss is a Chicago-based writer and actor.  Follow her @liz_reuss or @ChickenBachelor.