Down on Our Knees: Excerpts from the Gratitude Journals of Notable Women

“In my next life when I come back, I want to be someone in the [Women's Tennis Association], because they ride on the coattails of the men. They don’t make any decisions and they are lucky. They are very, very lucky. If I was a lady player, I’d go down every night on my knees and thank God that Roger Federer and Rafa Nadal were born, because they have carried this sport. They really have.”

What both the (as of this morning, FORMER) tennis tournament director who expressed the above sentiment and the irate Serena Williams don’t realize is that indeed, history’s most notable ladies have long privately expressed similar sentiments. Second City was granted exclusive access (Editor’s note: Eat it, Smithsonian magazine) to the personal gratitude journals of some of history’s most accomplished women. Here are a sampling of excerpts.

Lena Dunham:

"Thanking my lucky stars for the cast of Entourage, who have always inspired me. One day I was just like, 'What if there was a version where the women talked?' And Girls was born."

Oprah Winfrey:

"Journal, I stopped getting on my own knees in 1992 (I have people for that now), but today I asked my assistant to please go down on her knees to thank God for men like Phil Donahue. He taught me how to turn a daytime talk show into a bajillion-dollar multimedia empire. I mean, he didn’t teach by example--more just in his overall essence. He just gives off those real rich guy vibes. PS: It’s really difficult to see what I’m writing because my journal is actually just a hardcover copy of The Secret."

Amelia Earhart:

"Excuse the poor penmanship, dear diary. I am currently flying somewhere over the Pacific. My co-pilot and navigator Fred Noonan is taking a shift at the controls. Gasoline is low, but morale is high! I’m so grateful for his second-to-none navigational skills that I’d get down on my knees to thank God if there were room in this cockpit. I’m riding (or should I say flying, har har) on his coattails. Well, time to wrap this up--Fred says his map shows we’re right on top of Howland Island, where we shall surely land without incident, thanks to Fred!"

Rosa Parks:

"I was kicked off a bus, arrested and fined today because I refused to move to the back of the bus for a white man. My sincere hope is that this small act will create lasting positive change, but none of it would be possible if not for the bus driver James Blake who showed up for work that day, or the male police officers who came to arrest me. They carried me (off the bus). They really, really did."

Helen Keller:

"I keep trying to go down on my knees in gratitude for the men who invented triumphing over physical disability, but all the men that pass by assume I fell down, so they keep picking me up. Assholes."

Sacagawea:

"Fur trader Toussaint Charbonneau here. My Shoshone womyn Sacagawea (who I won fair and square whilst gambling) asked me to pen a note of gratytude to me and our expedition’s partners Lewis and Clark for history’s record, as she is a womyn and therefur not abl to read nor writ fine like I can. She askd me to recount how fortunat she was to be capturd, traded and forcd on a cross-country hyke into deep wilderness while wyth childe, as she has rydden our coattails into what wyll become a great nashion’s historie."

Joan of Arc:

"I would go to my knees in thanks, but it seems they’ve tied me rather snugly to this stake." (Dictated but not read)

Cleopatra:

"I should do WHAT now? Haaaaades, no."

Eve:

"Dear Fig Leaf that I write on with berry juice and a twig, I’m so grateful I was fashioned by Adam from dust and a spare rib so he didn’t have to feel lonely. Even though there are literally giant piles of gold and diamonds everywhere….but I digress. He’s really carrying this whole creation thing. I guess you might say I’m riding his coattails, but he isn’t wearing any. I must find a way to thank him, like a crisp apple or access to all human knowledge. Gotta go, God’s coming over for brunch and Scattergories. TTYL, journal!"

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