Let’s Help Out the Forgotten Victims of Low Oil Prices— Pirates

The world’s changing one economy at a time, but nobody let the West African pirates know! These misguided Keebler Elves of the sea keep toiling away, desperately trying to maintain their income by shifting to recession-proof jobs, like kidnapping and violent crime instead of the old standby, attacking oil tankers. It’s generally a losing battle (you’ve seen Captain Phillips, right?), but it’s not too late. Through education and a little bit of charity, we can teach those poor, stubborn Jack Sparrows some strategies to employ so that they might successfully modernize their pirating.

Suggest energy alternatives over classic oil theft

When I’m face to face with a pirate, the first words out of my mouth are usually, “Excuse me, have you thought about wind-thieving?” It’s cost effective, the authorities won’t expect it, and even if they did, maritime law is insanely loose in the area of wind ownership. If you’re boating around setting up floating wind farms, or even just a windmill or two, you’d be hard-pressed to find a Coast Guard that would shut that down. I know for a fact that some kids literally walk around using tiny toy windmills for fun. It’s like taking renewable candy from a baby.

Recommend they pick easier and more deserving targets 

If you’re trying to sneak a bite of a roommate’s sandwich in the fridge, you pick the old one that’s already partially eaten, not the brand new Reuben that Alex begged you to leave alone. There are plenty of low-end cruise lines with shady health and service records that are plenty deserving of a little piracy. And unlike tankers like the Exxon Valdez, when these babies have trouble, even the EPA looks the other way and says “gross.”

Try compensating with carrrrr-bon offsets

If each pirate offset every naval passenger they maimed by planting a tree or contributing to an ecological reserve, they could potentially see a tax write-off at the end of their fiscal pirating year. Even more importantly, they can sleep easy knowing that for each hostage traumatized, they embraced Mother Earth. Tharrrrr be beauty in that.

Provide plunder with a smile

In a more hostage-based economy that can’t rely on oil, anyone can just “rob” someone. But a customer service-trained pirate treats you with respect—like you’re special—and makes you *want* to be robbed. The quality of pageantry that goes into good piracy takes your face out of Interpol’s mugshot list and puts it onto a bottle of spiced rum with movie options. “I’ll have what she’s stealing!”

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Steve Hobbs is a Toronto-based actor/comedian/writer, trained in improv and sketch writing through Second City’s Conservatory and longform programs. He’s also a past senior editor/writer for The Beaverton satiric Canadian news magazine and is best known for his work at Toronto Fringe 2014 in sketch juggernaut “Everything is Fine,” as well as with ex-Impatient Theatre Co. headliners “El Fantoma.”