How to Tell If the Person Peeing Next to You is Transgender

I can’t tell you how many times my bathroom visits (aka, the highlight of my day) have been ruined by a transgender person. If I see and individual courageously identifying as a gender other than the one they were born with, it makes my shy bladder seem all the more pathetic by comparison.

Lawmakers in multiple states share my preoccupation with the plumbing of my commode companions. North Carolina is currently debating the best way to ensure the people walking through bathroom doors match the figures on the signs. This means all women have to wear triangle dresses and transgender people must consult their birth certificate before peeing.

Some Kansas officials want to provide the brave victims--who have to arduously second-guess their pronouns while conversing at the sink--with a $2500 cash reward. The proposed Kansas bill suggests that when a person uses a restroom adjacent to a transgender occupant, it could cause, and I quote, “psychological, emotional and physical harm.” When somebody transitions genders, it often causes their life to become incredibly difficult. Kansas believes their strife is contagious through toilet seats.

Now, what’s really interesting about this is that the bill has a 4-year statute of limitation. This means you have a while to remember if you saw a person who may have been born male next to the tampon machine and how that destroyed your life.

It can be tough to tell if a person is transgender, but not as tough as quieting the voice that tells you witch hunts are wrong. So if you want that sweet cash, you’ll have to soldier through and look for these telltale signs:

• Check their chromosomes: Keep a small genetics lab handy and casually extract a DNA sample to ensure your privacy isn’t threatened.
• Lay a stereotype-based trap: See how long the mark takes to respond to a new pair of high heels or insert themselves into an argument that doesn’t concern them.
• Look out for bravery: If somebody is proudly wearing clothes or accessories that don’t correspond to their conventional body type, it’s your chance to make a buck.
• Quickly say “atransexualsayswhat”: Since we’re subscribing to grade school gender politics, we might as well use playground tricks.

Without proper regulation, people may take advantage of being free to choose which bathroom applies to them. As Americans, we must remove any and all freedoms if an individual can abuse them. We can’t just let citizens make up their own minds about how they identify. That would be like letting the president choose his own Supreme Court nominee.

By diligently checking the sex of everyone who walks into a restroom, you are protecting not only yourself, but other vulnerable groups. State officials want to ensure bathrooms are just as safe as all those other gender-restricted places where sexual assault never happen, like Catholic schools or prisons.

By restricting transgender people from using public restrooms, you are taking part in a government that does everything in its power to prevent rape, such as providing free rape kit….I mean...never blaming the vict….well, I’m sure this bathroom thing will nip the problem in the bud.

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 C.J. Tuor performs with the improvised drinking thriller “Hitch*Cocktails” every Friday night at The Annoyance Theatre in Chicago.