A Complete History of the Basic Rift Between Hillary & Bernie Supporters

HILLARY SUPPORTER: Look! Hillary is running for president! Fun fact: We have never had a woman president. Also, I enjoy this pleasant, positive video her campaign produced to announce her run. It includes gay people! I like this masterfully shrewd politician.

BERNIE SUPPORTER: Look! This very old man from Vermont is also running for president and is talking about income inequality and the economy being rigged. We have had a shitty, rigged economy for a long time. I like this discombobulated professor. 

HILLARY SUPPORTER: #ImWithHer!

BERNIE SUPPORTER: #FeeltheBern!

THE MEDIA: Look at Hillary do this and say this! And look, Hillary just Tweeted this! What do we think her chances are? Also, there’s this other dude running, but back to Hillary.

BERNIE SUPPORTER: Stop ignoring Bernie!

HILLARY SUPPORTER: Everything is fine!

THE MEDIA: Hillary has an enthusiasm problem and also a likability problem. Is she not likable? Should she smile more? Also Benghazi, emails, etc.

HILLARY SUPPORTER: Stop your sexist coverage of Hillary!

BERNIE SUPPORTER: Everything is fine!

HILLARY SUPPORTER: Why don’t you just love Hillary forever? Please? She’ll maybe take a look at the economy when she’s president.

BERNIE SUPPORTER: But she won’t destroy the economy Godzilla-style like I want. So I love Bernie because he’s not a Wall Street shill like Shillary McShillsalot.

HILLARY SUPPORTER: That is sexist! Everything you say is sexist.

BERNIE SUPPORTER: I am not sexist!

HILLARY SUPPORTER: Say you like Hillary, and I will wave my magic Rodham wand and declare you not sexist. Because just FYI, I’ve decided you are sexist if you don’t like Hillary and view her unwavering support of Wall Street as a net positive.

BERNIE SUPPORTER: That is corporatist! Everything you say is corporatist. You are a power bottom for Wall Street if you don’t love Bernie! SHITLERY is part of the establishment! FEELIN’ DAT BERNNNNN, BABY!

HILLARY SUPPORTER: How dare you Bernie Bros call Hillary part of the establishment?! She’s a woman; women can’t be part of the establishment. Also how can you not love her decades of insider Washington experience?

BERNIE SUPPORTER: We will literally all die of Clinton AIDS if Bernie isn’t elected.

HILLARY SUPPORTER: Bernie Bros are literally the SS times the Stasi plus the Khmer Rouge times infinity. There is nothing worse on earth than a Bernie Bro.

BERNIE SUPPORTER: Bernie will destroy inequality!

HILLARY SUPPORTER: Hillary will get things done!

THE MEDIA: This just in: Literally every superdelegate and their mother supports Hillary.

BERNIE & HILLARY SUPPORTERS: WTF are superdelegates?

DEBBIE WASSERMAN SCHULTZ: Superdelegates are designed to keep the rabble out and make sure the DNC elects who they want—regardless of what the filth votes for. Eat shit, you powerless dumbfucks. Eat it hard! [“All I Do Is Win” plays while Debbie does crotch-chops and smokes a blunt]

BERNIE SUPPORTER: Superdelegates are an atrocity! Superdelegates are worse than genocide!

HILLARY SUPPORTER: I don’t see the problem? Every aspect of our election process is literally perfect, because it has to be, because Hillary is winning and that is good.

BERNIE SUPPORTER: We’re not going away! Look! We won several states by landslides.

THE MEDIA: Hillary is up by 10,000 gazillion delegates….but only, like, seventy if you don’t count superdelegates.

BERNIE SUPPORTER: [Has giant aneurysm] [Posts 65 articles from USUncut.com about Hillary literally being a baby-eating hell demon]

HILLARY SUPPORTER: UGH. IF ONE MORE BERNIE BRO SAYS THE WORD ‘OLIGARCHY’ AND MAKES ME FEEL STUPID, I AM GOING TO NUKE THE ENTIRE WORLD.

BERNIE SUPPORTER: UGH. IF ONE MORE HILLARY SHILL SAYS ‘I’M WITH HER’ AND MAKES ME FEEL STUPID, I AM GOING TO NUKE THE ENTIRE WORLD.

THE MEDIA: Everyone loves Trump! Look at the Trump boners! There’s a Trump boner! There’s another! Oh look, I have a Trump boner too, because my cable news network’s ad sales are going through the roof! BOOINNNNNGGG!!!

HILLARY SUPPORTER: OH SHIT, WE’RE ALL GOING TO ACTUALLY DIE. Okay, we need to rally together and support whoever our candidate will be, whether it’s Hillary or Hillary or even, you know, Hillary. We have to be nice to each other/Hillary. Here I go….okay…um…I guess Bernie is quasi-decent and not terrible? There! Are you happy, you sexist babyman? Now say something nice about Hillary.

BERNIE SUPPORTER: Fine. SlutHitlerwhore-y is maybe not the literal key to opening the Seventh Seal. And maybe she doesn’t eat baby hearts for EVERY SINGLE meal. Sometimes she might just have, like, toast or something.

HILLARY SUPPORTER: #ImWithThem

BERNIE SUPPORTER: #BernieOrBust

HILLARY SUPPORTER: [Has 20 giant aneurysms] [Furiously posts 65 pro-Hillary op-eds from pundits they don’t realize once worked on Clinton campaigns]

THE MEDIA: While you were busy arguing over Clinton vs. Sanders, Trump just won the election. Enjoy your new president, President Donald Trump. What’s that? Oh. Freedom of the press has been revoked. Okay, cool. Goodbye!

HILLARY & SANDERS SUPPORTER: NOOOOOOOO!!!!

HILLARY SUPPORTER: This is YOUR fault!

BERNIE SUPPORTER: This is YOUR fault!

HILLARY SUPPORTER: Why couldn’t you just vote for Hillary, you sexist fuckstick?

BERNIE SUPPORTER: Because Shitslutbitchdogfart-llary spoke to Goldman Sachs in exchange for money that one time! Why couldn’t you just vote for Bernie, you corporatist dickweasel?

HILLARY SUPPORTER: Because Bernie couldn’t Get Things Done!

BERNIE SUPPORTER: WHAT DOES THAT INANE SENTENCE EVEN MEAN?

HILLARY SUPPORTER: I don’t even know anymore. Also, the media kept telling me he had zero chance even when he clearly had some kind of chance, and I believed the media.

BERNIE SUPPORTER: Move over. You’re hogging the pile of old jeans we’re assigned to sleep on in this Trump Camp that used to be a Kohl’s. 

OMNISCIENT VOICE: Sanders Supporter and Hillary Supporter, please report to the yuuuge and terrific manual labor yards for your daily TrumPunishment.

BERNIE SUPPORTER: If only we had elected Sanders….we could’ve magically ended all inequality forever somehow. I’m not exactly sure how.

HILLARY SUPPORTER: If only we had elected Hillary…we could’ve made small, incremental quasi-improvements to our broken system.

OMNISCIENT VOICE: Attention. Incoming nuke from China. Please prepare to die.

BERNIE SUPPORTER: This is it.

HILLARY SUPPORTER: This is it. Hold my hand?

BERNIE SUPPORTER: Am I still sexist?

HILLARY SUPPORTER: A little bit.

BERNIE SUPPORTER: Then hold your own hand, you capitalist butt cyst. #FeeltheRadiationBern.

HILLARY SUPPORTER: #Imwithnoone [Sighs]

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John Loos (@JohnLoosWins) is a staunch supporter of the #ImWithJuneSquibb movement. Visit johnlooscomedy.com.