How to Speak Like a Native Evangelical

Are your poll numbers low? Want to get a quick boost in the election without having to do much? Going after the evangelical vote in America is a guaranteed way to set your campaign on a path to victory. Here are a few basic language tips to help you snag the success you so desperately need to reign as King of the Evangelical Vote this election season:

Speak conversational Christian-ese 

Evangelicals love their buzzwords. Get your conversational feet wet with as many "God Bless You"s or “God Bless America”s as you possibly can. As your campaign continues, you will need to throw in more native phrases. Start mentioning specific books of the Bible. Try to stick to the New Testament, and just vaguely refer to Matthews, Marks and Lukes in speeches. Remember, these are not people who have actually read the Bible. They're just reassured when they hear some of the words out loud.

Trash talk "science"

This is a sure=fire way to get in good with the evangelicals. They hate science! Highlight how wrong proven facts are by using this phrase: “Science is wrong.” Bonus points every time you can work in that evolution should never be taught in schools. 

Translation: "War" = “God’s Work”

Sure, he's God and can probably do his own work. But evangelicals don't know that, and they need their sweet, sweet oil.

Continue to debate things that are non-debatable

Same-sex marriage is legal in all 50 states, and some people are still mad as hell about it. Tap into that anger. Tell your evangelical voters that you agree with them-- gay marriage weakens the very moral fabric of our family values in America. They won’t ever ask why. 

Demonize those minorities

Have fun with this one. There is no line. No comment goes too far. Really explore the depths of misinformation and threats against Mexicans, Muslims, black people and women. Say you'll chop off an immigrant's arm! Applause. Say you'll bring back water boarding! Standing O. Say a woman is emotionally volatile when she’s on her period! Huzzah! Say you'll go ahead and let people marry their dogs-- at this point, you've got them right where you want them, and they won't even realize what they've agreed to.

God bless your campaign, and God bless America.

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Kelly Honsberger is a writer, a student at the Second City Training Center and one bad-ass mama.