10 Farmers Market Commandments to Live By

With temperatures in Chicago rising and then falling and then rising again, spring must finally be here—and nothing says spring like a farmers market! So whether you’re a haberdasher in Logan Square or a Lincoln Park yoga mom, keep these commandments in mind for a fun and productive outing. Or at least a highly stereotypical one.

1. Stretch first: You’re in for a strenuous session of dodging strollers and sprinting to the arugula before all that’s left are the scraggly bunches. The last thing you need is a pulled hammy when you’re carrying a recycled bag full of goodies.

2. Get there early: Who shows up to the farmers market at the crack of dawn? Farmers and chefs. Who shows up to the farmers market late? Brunching sorority sisters and street performers. Which group do you want to be part of, gentle reader?

3. Maybe don’t bring your offspring: For the love of all that is good and holy, if you have kids, leave the double and triple and octuple strollers at home. Yes, it’s important to teach your kiddos about healthy eating, but not when it’s ramps season and foodie clout on the line.

4. Get a snack: Never shop on an empty stomach. That goes double for the farmers market—unless you want to come home with a gross of heirloom tomatillos (and maybe you do, 'cause that sounds delicious). Pick up a small box of blueberries … or a cinnamon roll from the Amish bakers. No judgment here.

5. Look extra farmer-y: This is not shopping at Jewel for ramen and Gatorade after a rough night out. This is the farmers market, and singles aren’t just browsing for the bounty of the season—they’re shopping for a significant other. So braid your hair like Khaleesi or break out the beard oil, and start practicing those sexy “yum” moans.

6. Ask questions: As many as possible. Don’t worry if you don’t know enough to ask an informed question. No one else does, either. “Madame Cheesemonger, do you have any croissants today?” “Were these beets grown above ground?” This won’t annoy the farmers at all. Certainly not. Nope, not at all.

7. Steal samples surreptitiously: Any vendor will be happy to give you one free sample of their product. That fifth sample may be a little trickier to obtain, though. However, with the use of hats, crazy glasses, fake mustaches and a well-timed “Hey, look over there!” you can get a multicourse meal for free. If you get caught, you don’t know me.

8. Stop in the middle of the crowded aisle to look at your phone: I’m not sure why this is a rule, but it must be, because everyone does it.

9. Instagram, duh: The farmers market is a great place to let everyone online know that you’re doing just awesome and they ought to be jealous. Take a selfie next to a tower of gluten-free baguettes with the caption “YUSSSSSSSS.” Possible hashtags include: #CleanEating or #PaleoLife or #UtterlyInsufferable.

10. Sleep in, forget all about the market, promise to go next week:Don’t beat yourself up, OK? It happens. You’ll get there before Labor Day. In the meantime, there’s always ramen and Gatorade.

This post also appears on RedEye Chicago. 

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Amy Young is an improviser, actress and writer.