What Your Starbucks Cold Cup Says About You

Summer is just around the corner, which means Starbucks is already rolling out a new line of funky fresh cold cups to keep your Frappuccinos frothy and hidden from that friend who thinks ordering a green tea lemonade would have been better for your figure. You can have it all—except we’re not having any of it.

Check your sippage at the door, because here’s what that cold, colored plastic tells us about you.

You are emotionally inept

The number of hues in that toucan hugging your tumbler tells us that you can’t even settle on your favorite color without fear of retribution--much less be trusted to negotiate a low monthly internet rate or play wingman during a heist. The color of your cold cup represents the anger or sadness or horniness you were feeling the day you chose it. Now, we have to live with that gold/peach/mermaid body-colored aura every time we hit the pool. Stick with classic plastic, and recycle your feelings accordingly.

You have a viral infection

Your heart was set on that domed lid from the moment you brushed the dust off of it and handed it to the barista, unwashed after being pawed by countless earlier admirers, to be filled with your beverage. That you drink with your mouth. Ah, the first sip of infection. Now your body is aching, and we’re voiding plans to stop at CVS for your Zicam^®.  

You’re a waste

Your oozing lips are the very reason that the barista is going to slyly prepare your drink in a regular plastic cup before dumping it into your cold cup, so not only are you wasting the same amount of plastic as the rest of us, but you are also wasting Daniel the barist-bro’s time. And that discount you're getting for having your drink “prepared” in that cup just puts Starbucks' hard-earned dollars right back into your pocket, you selfish prick.

You’ve legally changed your name to “Court Knee”

You knew better than to let a barista permanently mark your cup to avoid accidentally sending it out to the drive thru. Good luck explaining to colleges that you are applying for graduation--and not reporting a basketball injury.

You’re a false profit

Stop lying to yourself--and us--on behalf of the sacred Starbucks brand; you are never going to take that cup back to the store for a refill. Sure, you’ll use it to pour water into your dog’s bowl or as a flower vase for your cousin’s rustic outdoor wedding, but never again will cool caramel caress its insulated walls.

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Molly Collins (@mollyc23) is a comedy writer based in South Carolina. She studies comedy writing with The Second City Training Center and has performed improv at Alchemy Comedy Theater in Greenville, SC.