Polish Up That Resume ASAP If You Want a Shot at Being Our Nation's Next VP

If you’ve spent your youth being exploited by unpaid internships, it can be tough to land a high-level job. But with a few assists, you can bump up your résumé in no time. Seriously— you could be Vice President of the United States!

The presumptive presidential nominees are already “vetting” potential picks (taking a list of potential candidates to a trusted veterinarian to make sure they're all up-to-date on shots), so now’s the time to jump in. You’re surely better than folks like Julian Castro, that cool band none of your friends have heard of yet, or Chris Christie: Mall Cop.

Here are some tips to polish that résumé:

Stress Geographic Diversity As Often As Possible

To win an election, a candidate needs support from all across the country, the twenty-two or so states that matter to them. Since both of 2016’s likely candidates are from New York, you can swoop in with non-Empire State compatibility by having a fun, folksy current address or place of birth. If you still need a little extra help, stealing mail from a recent Airbnb host can really come in handy to provide a more exotic residency.

Bullet Point Your Experience “Playing The Game”

I watched a 'House of Cards' Season 3 preview on the Regal First Look Channel while waiting to see 'Zootopia,' and that told me that this concept is a major factor. The Veep’s job is to serve as a mouthpiece for policy initiatives in and around Capitol Hill. To get things done, you gotta play the game. List phrases like:

• “initiated the game”
• “spearheaded the game”
• “implemented and then maintained the game”

These will all stand out on paper, even if your specific “game” turns out to be soccer or Hearthstone. If anyone presses for details, give ‘em a little glance or quiet wink. Smoooooth.

Keep At Least One Awful Flaw Prominent

But you can’t be tooooooo smoooooth, otherwise Trump or Clinton will feel threatened by your presence. Having one awful flaw prominent in your résumé (or better yet, during your initial interview) will make sure the campaign teams don’t see you as a threat hellbent on destroying everything your nominee of choice has spent her whole life—or about seven of his weeks— building. If you’re not sure what your flaw is, know that it’s the thing that keeps you up at night and the one we all talk about just before you enter a room. Or just after you leave the room.

Detail Interests Including “Making Deep Connections With Rural White People”

A recent trend for any modern vice presidential nominee is to drink/pray/throw firecrackers/hold up dead, possum-sized animals for photo ops with RWP, or Rural White People. Joe Biden, Sarah Palin, Paul Ryan— they could all spend hours simply enjoying time in run-down, homogenized communities of resentful want. Your special skills that now include binge-watching “American Pickers,” eating scrapple and reading the comments section of any Youtube video of an R&B version of the National Anthem. Bonus points if you come from a state that contains a big city that you didn’t grow up in! That’s a Clinton Caucasian code-switch buck for you!

Describe Any and All of Your History Filling in After a Co-Worker’s Assassination

You need to have filled in at work after an assassination, there’s no way around it. Vice presidents are required to do it all the time. Sure, stepping in when your co-worker had a minor outpatient procedure or went on their honeymoon in Italy is acceptable, but this is the big leagues—and nothing wows ‘em like a cover letter about the time you held down the fort and demanded all of the marketing manager’s emails to be forwarded to you after she was assassinated by a lone nut or paramilitary organization. Way to stand tall in the face of adversity and show the world that your social media management tool startup will never kneel to terror.

And just like that, you’ll be #1 in line for America’s #2.

(Law school, some volunteer work, and a letter of recommendation from the President might help, too. Best of luck!)

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Sean Sullivan is a writer for “The Koch Brothers Mystery Show” podcast, now in its second season.