Make the Most of Your Insane Airport #IHateTheWait Times

Three-hour waits for one-hour flights out of Midway and O’Hare are starting to become the new norm. Thanks to budget cuts, chronic understaffing and the bomb hidden in that guy’s Cetaphil, more anger than usual is being directed at the TSA as thousands of travelers are being forced to miss their flights. But even though you might think to yourself that #IHateTheWait, three straight hours of free time is a luxury that many hard-working Americans aren’t often afforded.

Here are some thoroughly pat-down ways to help ensure your time in line is efficient and rewarding.

Reduce the size and number of carry-ons

Instead of trying to get your carry-on through security, consider shopping at the mall your airport has become! Every tasteless traveler could use a Brooks Brothers suit, Swatch watch or Michael Kors purse sold at the same rate of markup you willingly pay for Dasani water.

Enjoy the entertainment

Some airports are hiring hilarious clowns to entertain passengers waiting in line, a thoughtful gesture meant to help weary travelers experience all of their greatest nightmares simultaneously.

Schedule alternative travel

Flying isn’t the only way to get to your next destination! Rather than waiting several hours to board a plane, you could be waiting several hours for an Amtrak to let freight trains pass or for a Megabus to be repaired.

Enroll in TSA PreCheck

A thorough background check, fingerprinting and simple $85 fee will allow you to wait in shorter security lines with a smug smile on your face, letting other people know that you’re the completely entitled asshole funding the TSA’s incompetence.

Consider the economic benefits

To help meet demand, 100 part-time TSA agents will be promoted to full-time and 58 new TSA staffers are expected to be hired over the next three weeks at O'Hare and Midway. Who says America can’t create bad jobs anymore?

Cut

Nobody will mind.

Plan your vacation-within-a-vacation

Using an airport map, draw out the destinations you hope to visit when you finally arrive in the terminal! Will it be Chili’s Too? The Animal Relief Area? Better hurry—you’ll only have five minutes once you get through, and security’s going to be all over you once they notice that you’ve made drawings on your map of the airport.

Stir the pot

An uncomfortable public queue is the ideal place to loudly share your political opinions! Take some time to let your compatriots know what Hillary’s still hiding about Benghazi, why we shouldn’t vaccinate refugees or how Trump’s “wall” will prevent global warming. (Don’t forget to blame your wait time on Obama!)

Pretend the line is for something else

Who doesn’t like a good wait? Imagine Beyoncé tickets and the iPhone 7 of your dreams are waiting for you in the plastic bin of gold at the end of this GED rainbow.

Just hang out

Spend three full hours playing on your phone and chatting with your fellow passengers, being completely unprepared for the screening process itself, adding to the overall misery and being part of the reason there’s a goddamn line.

This post also appears on redeyechicago.com

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Greg Ott is a member of The Second City Touring Company. His website, only available online, is greg-ott.com, and his Instagram is @gregott.