New John Hancock Center Names We Should Probably Start Getting Used To

The John Hancock Center, Michigan Avenue’s best destination for overpriced appetizers and Geek Squad appointments, may be changing its name thanks to a proposed $10 million redevelopment plan. If the proposal goes through, the building’s naming rights will be sold to the highest bidder, adding a new title in big, bold letters to the third floor facade. With the tantalizing prospect of new branding opportunities and a new-and-improved Cheesecake Factory, here’s a look at some of the most likely and appropriate suitors who’d be willing to pony up the cash to leave an even bigger mark on the Windy City.

Michael Jordan Tower: Not only does the immortal No. 23 have deep pockets and a lifetime of positive Chicago name recognition, the building itself may prove to be useful collateral in settling future gambling debts.

Richard Daley Tower: Under this proposal, the interior of the building will be completely gutted and sold to the lowest no-bid contractor for 75 years.

Trump Center: John Hancock famously left his huge signature on the Declaration of Independence. There’s no better way to honor that memory than by letting our country’s last president add his gaudy, tacky name in huge silver block letters to yet another downtown building’s exterior mere months before the next Declaration of Independence is signed.

Giordano’s Portillo’s Navy Pier Chinatown Au Cheval Cloud Gate and the Goat: It’d be nice to have just one place to tell people from out of town to go.

Skybox on Michigan: Wrigley Field’s rooftop-obstructing video screens have completely ruined the thrill of seeing a baseball game from what feels like the tacky living room of a trust-fund baby. Though several miles away, the view from the observation deck can’t be much worse than staring at “Budweiser” in reverse. Plus, Michigan Avenue’s gawking tourists, traffic and price gouging offers a comparable experience to attending an actual Cubs game.

Ventra Center: You’ll have to tap the doors 10 times before entering.

Rick Bayless TWR: This trendy, building-inspired skyscraper offers a modern twist on the classic structure with an emphasis on cultural appropriation and $13 tortas that taste better when compared with other options at the airport.

Sears Tower: We’re going to keep calling some building downtown by that name, so why not try to make it official again?

Chicago Public Schools Tower: Rather than opening and closing schools throughout the city like a game of Whac-A-Mole, why not send the city’s 400,000 students downtown into one big building? You’d only need 100 teachers to handle the 4,000 students on each floor, allowing the city to reduce its number of current teachers by five.

Rahm Emanuel Center: Anything that paints the building in a bad light will be covered up, one-fifth of the antenna will be chopped off and only the north side of the tower will get any attention.

This post also appears on RedEyeChicago.com

Photo by Joseph Lekas

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Greg Ott is a member of The Second City Touring Company. His website, only available online, is greg-ott.com, and his Instagram is @gregott.