Parts of My Body That Look Like the Donuts I Eat

I love donuts, so if “you are what you eat,” then National Donut Day on Friday, June 1st should be called National Me Day. I don’t say this lightly, and I don’t mean this to be self-deprecating. I am in full celebration of the fact that parts of my body straight-up look like donuts.

Allow me to illustrate:

My Head

...is a chocolate frosted cake donut. We have the same haircut, and the same big hole in the middle where all of our ideas go!

My Arms

...are Long Johns. They’re puffy, and sometimes there’s bacon on them.

My Belly Button

...is a French cruller, because I lost a bunch of weight, but then I gained it back so the skin around there looks sort of twisted when I sit down.

My Legs

...are a Glazed Twist. A little lumpy, a little flaky. I have dry skin!

My Feet

...are Bear Claws. This probably seems like an easy connection, but my feet truly look like that!

My Hoo-Has

...are Apple Fritters. I mean, those things are a mess.

My Butthole

...looks like this. For real.

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Julie Marchiano is an alum of The Second City e.t.c. Stage. She had a gluten-free donut today because she lives in Los Angeles now.