‘Hamilton’ Hack Your Way to Chicago Tickets

Let the dueling begin. Now that we know “Hamilton” tickets for the Chicago run go on sale June 21st— trying our luck at Broadway in Chicago roulette will be more cutthroat than Cabinet Battles #1 and #2 combined.

If you were one of the lucky ones who swooped in early on group sales, congrats. But the rest of us? We can do better than to passively-aggressively not like our friends’ Instagram selfies holding the program pre-show. Come on, Chicago! We’re young, scrappy, and hungry— not to mention armed with these no-fail “Hamilton” hacks.

‘Ham’ hack #1:

Sit on an empty patch of Wrigleyville curb on a non-game day. Squat until the Cubs play. Call in your one promised favor from your friend’s cousin’s fiancée who is a hostess at Girl and the Goat. Procure a dinner reservation. That’s right—an actual dinnertime that’s not at 4 p.m. Arm yourself with Tide to Go pens, Resolve, and elbow grease. Do a deep clean on one Red Line seat. Trade the parking spot, the reservation, and the non-urine soaked ride for a Hamilton ticket.

‘Ham’ hack #2:

Lin-Manuel Miranda has a soft spot for getting underserved youth into his shows. Go to the discount rack at Discovery Clothing in Avondale and disguise your friend group as a tribe of CPS kids. Badger LMM on Twitter until he whisks you to the performance in his van fueled with melted awards. If he asks for proof of your attendance at school, say Rahm closed it. (Or don’t— word is they’re setting aside 20,000 tickets in 2017 for CPS students.)

‘Ham’ hack #3:

Start hanging out with building inspectors. After a few too many Goose Island drafts and hot dogs, casually mention that the zoning laws for the PrivateBank Theatre are outdated. Insist that all productions must be halted until a new caveat is introduced: you yourself must be present in the theatre should the number of old-timey coats onstage exceed twenty. (This will also get you free tickets to “Les Mis” for the rest of your life.)

‘Ham’ hack #4:

If your new pals disagree, take a page from Alexander’s side chick’s hubby’s book. Pour ketchup on those dogs, snap some photos, and threaten blackmail. They can’t Say No To That.

‘Ham’ hack #5:

Visit Graceland Cemetery. Find a tombstone that calls to you. Research that person’s entire life. Take on their identity. Go the show as your new dead persona. Not sure how this will work, but I assume it will, since it flies for elections--and attending a musical seems much less important? If you have trouble, maybe go full-ghost and repeat “Who lives, Who dies, Who tells your story?” until the usher gets too creeped out to stop you from entering.

‘Ham’ hack #6:

Do whatever it takes. Empty your savings account. Take out a loan. Cancel all your charity contributions. If you miss this next round of jaw-droppingly expensive sales and lose the $10 ticket lottery, there’s no way you will ever get the chance to see “Hamilton” again. Also, it is one-hundred percent certain that sitting in a third balcony seat will change your life. Any lengths you go to claim that experience will be justified. Do not throw away your shot!

This post also appears on redeyechicago.com

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Alice Stanley Jr. is currently touring Bermuda with Second City Theatricals. Other credits include Chicago Sketchfest, ImprovAcadia and Chicago’s Funny Women Festival. As a playwright, her work has been produced in eight states and counting. Twitter/Instagram: @astanjr.