Ways Clinton Can Convert All Those Die-Hard Bernie Fans

On the heels of the Republican National Convention, it’s do-or-we-all-die time for the Democrats, who need to launch into full throttle and probably drink as much Full Throttle as Rudy Giuliani did before his address. In order to beat the Trump/Pence ticket, Hillary Clinton must secure the loyalty of the rabidly disappointed Bernie Sanders fan base--because nothing would bring an end to the modern world faster than voters vowing to feel the Bern… or feel nothing at all.

Here’s how she can try to convert them.

Recruit El-P for her campaign

Bernie got Killer Mike, so why not unite the Run The Jewels pairing to run the votes?

Just light one up on stage

Bill might not have inhaled, but if HIllary wants more support she needs to head to Denver and roll a fat joint in front of God and country. Bonus points if Willie Nelson comes out playing “Always on My Mind.”

Have “Stone Cold” Steve Austin stun Donald Trump again

A lot of Bernie Bros love wrestling. Stone Cold clashed with Trump at WrestleMania 23, so why not let him come on stage and open up a can of whoop-ass to show us that he's with her? After that “We Are the Champions” entrance at the RNC, the Donald seems down for a re-match.

Have a Pidgeot land on her shoulder

Bernie fans went nuts when a tiny bird landed on the enthusiastic Vermont senator. Capitalize on their ornithologically-inclined passion plus the Pokémon Go craze by having digital poultry land on the Hill. Gotta catch all the votes!

Reveal that those e-mails were tickets to Hamilton for all

I’ve given up on the dream of having my student loans paid off or set free, but I still believe I can see ‘Hamilton’... iiiifff Hillary lets the world know that all those personal emails were just her securing front row seats. For the whole population. And now the surprise is ruined.

Air commercials of social change from the past

Bernie won over voters by showing that he's fought for Civil Rights since his youth. I'd honestly take a Photoshopped picture of Hillary hanging with Destiny’s Child, but maybe that’s just me.

Rescue something really cute

We've watched Bernie stop mid-speech just to assist fainting fans. Hillary has to step it up if she wants to successfully one-up. Maybe halt mid-speech in Philly at the DNC to run into a nearby burning building and rescue that girl with the ukulele and bangs from ‘America’s Got Talent’ wrapped in puppies and kittens and the heart-eyed emoji. That's the hero we need.

Maybe double-check all speech language

Google is your friend, Hillary. Copy and paste is not.

And if all else fails… 

In lieu of making millennials watch another speech, just ask CNN to re-air Nickelodeon’s ‘Wild & Crazy Kids’--while Capri Sun rains from the sky. That would also probably suffice to win over the voters Hillary needs on her side.

This post also appears on redeyechicago.com

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Martin Morrow (@martinMmorrow) is a stand-up comedian (NBC’s ‘Last Comic Standing,’ Comedy Central’s ‘Why? with Hannibal Buress’) and member of The Second City Touring Company.