Leaked: The Most Shocking DNC Emails

As you probably already know, the Democratic National Committee got the crap hacked out of its emails. 20,000 emails were released by WikiLeaks, revealing some classic cronyism where certain fat cat donors were going to get rewarded with fancy positions and appointments in the Clinton administration and, of course, a buttload of disdain for Bernie Sanders (proving some of the unbearable Bernie Bro conspiracy theories of a rigged primary kinda true). The DNC also coined the fun new phrase “taco bowl engagements” to describe Latino voters. Olé!

Basically, it spelled out what we all know: the DNC, while maybe not as twirling-mustache-evil as the RNC, is still pretty much as we expected. So much for a united convention!

The Khaleesi of this flaming shit-pile, Debbie Wasserman Schultz, was ousted almost immediately after the leaks and replaced by Donna “I Will Cuss Out the Sanders Camp” Brazile, which probably won’t help matters. And as WikiLeaks promises more emails, the mainstream media is furiously trying to divert attention from the content of the emails by running with the limp “It was Russia!” angle.

Here are some of the most shocking emails uncovered in the treasure trove.

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To: Luis Miranda lmiranda@dnc.com

From: Debbie Wasserman Schultz  dws@dnc.com

Subject: Sanders Camp Whining About Some Bullshit

Hola Luis!

We’re getting a lot of heat from the Sanders camp that we’re rigging the primary for Hillary. It’s ridiculous. We have to destroy them. Can we infiltrate their campaign? Nuke it with a sex scandal? Because I swore to HRC we’d be pissing on the ashes of that broken Vermont grandfather clock by 5pm tomorrow. We need to make something happen, or I will literally kill all the Bernie Bros with fire.

By the way, did you get your 'Hillary Is My Religion' onesie? They’re at Peg’s desk in a box marked “This Box Is Reserved For Bernie Sanders’ Decapitated Head.”

Love,

DWS

P.S. Let’s meet about how to get more gay men to vote for Hillary! We need more sloppy dildo engagements.

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To: Chuck Todd ctodd@nbc.com

From: Debbie "Winter Is Coming" Schultz dws@dnc.com

Subject: A Nice Day for a White Flaying

Reek,

Here are all the questions you WILL ask the Sanders campaign manager on Meet The Press, like a good little news anchor. Mmkay?

1. Why is Bernie Sanders Satan?
2. Are all Bernie Bros terrorists, or are all Bernie Bros basically ISIS?
3. Do you realize that by liking Bernie, you are basically giving Trump a handjob?
4. What are your thoughts on killing yourself forever?

No going off message, or you will make me VERY angry. Do you want me to get angry, Reek? Do your fucking job. Otherwise, the deal* is off.

Love,

Debbie “Ramsay Bolton” Schultz

*The 'deal' being if you obey me, you get to keep at least one testicle. But I’m probably taking the other no matter what, just so you know what it feels like to disobey me.

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To: Pablo Manriquez pmanriquez@dnc.com

From: Debbie Human Florida Schultz dws@dnc.com

Subject: Re: Kristen Wiig’s Best Role?

Eh, I thought it had too many female characters. 2/5 stars.

>>>>>>To: dws@dnc.com

>>>>>>From pmanriquez@dnc.com>

>>>>>>Subject: Kristen Wiig’s Best Role?

>>>>>>Hey Debbie!

>>>>>>What did you think of the new Ghostbusters?

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To: Ellen Thrower ethrower@dnc.com

From: Debbie "Will Do Anything for the Payday Loan Industry" Schultz dws@dnc.com

Subject: My Palm Is Itching…

Ellen,

When I got to my office this morning, there wasn’t an orphan to slap. I need an orphan to slap EVERY. DAY. Otherwise, I can’t focus on Hillary’s coronation. I’m very disappointed.

Also, can we not repeat orphans? I want a new one every day. How can I accomplish my personal goal of slapping all the orphans in the world if you keep rotating in that Bulgarian girl?

Thx

I Love,

Slapping Orphans

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To: AllDNC@dnc.com

From: Debbie Wasserman Miscavige dws@dnc.com

Subject: “Clear” Your Schedules

All,

There is cake in the conference room to celebrate Donna Brazile’s birthday.

After that, there will be mandatory six-hour auditing for all “pre-clear” DNC employees to erase their progressive thetans. Progressive ideals block our spirit’s ability to ensure we are getting the maximum donations.

We must always endeavor to uphold the teachings of H. Rod Clinton with daily readings from Buyanetics, our dear leader’s book on buying elections.

Also, congratulations to MSNBC’s Chris Matthews for reaching Clinton Surrogate level 28, the supreme surrogate level. It took a lot of shouting and poor enunciation, but he finally made it!

Love,

DWS

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To: Luis Miranda lmiranda@dnc.com

From: Ellen Thrower ethrower@dnc.com

Subject: RE: Is Debbie OK?

>>>>>>To: ethrower@dnc.com

>>>>>>From: lmiranda@dnc.com

>>>>>>Subject: Is Debbie OK?

>>>>>>Ellen,

>>>>>>Is Debbie okay? I walked by her office and she was naked, rolling in money and scream->>>>>>laughing about how she was going to be Hillary’s Secretary of Total Annihilation.

>>>>>>L

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To: Debbie Wasserman Schultz dws@dnc.com

From: Hillary Clinton hclinton92@geocities.com

Subject: RE: Pinky Swear!!!!!

Jesus Christ, oh my God. Okay, okay, FINE. You can have an honorary position in my campaign. Just please calm down and stop hurting yourself!

>>>>>>To: hclinton92@geocities.com

>>>>>>From: dws@dnc.com

>>>>>>Subject: Pinky Swear!!!!!

>>>>>>I CUT OFF MY PINKY FINGER FOR YOU, MY QUEEN. I LIVE TO SERVE YOU. ONE DAY WE >>>>>>SHALL WEAR EACH OTHER’S SKIN AS RAIN PONCHOS.

>>>>>>Attachment: IMG_DebbiePinky_666.tiff

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To: dws@dnc.com

From: hclinton92@geocities.com

Subject: RE: RE: Debbie Are You OK?

Debbie,

I am worried about you and will be sending help. Please don’t do anything rash.

Also, what’s an eggplant emoji?

Hillary

To: hclinton92@geocities.com

>>>>>>>>>>>>>From: dws@dnc.com

>>>>>>>>>>>>>Subject: RE: Debbie Are You OK?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>YOU STILL LOVE ME, RIGHT??????? YOU SAID I WAS YOUR FRIEND. FRIENDS >>>>>>>>>>>>DON’T LEAVE FRIENDS BEHIND!!!! I WILL PROVE MY LOVE TO YOU HILLARY, I SWEAR!! >>>>>>>>>>>> I LOVE YOU SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO MUCH <3<3<3<3<3<3<3

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To: dws@dnc.com

From: hclinton92@geocities.com

Subject: Debbie Are You OK?

Debbie,

Holy shit. Um, thank you?

Please understand I value our friendship, but the actions of the DNC, even if they help me, are deeply problematic and will only hurt my campaign. Again, I don’t want to tell you how to do your job, but you need to take it down a notch.

Regards,

Hillary

>>>>>>To: hclinton92@geocities.com

>>>>>>From: dws@dnc.com>

>>>>>>Subject: My Face #DNCLeaks For You

>>>>>>HI HILLARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!1111!!!!!!!

>>>>>>OMG YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND!!!!! WANT TO SEE THE SECRET LIVES OF  >>>>>>PETS TOGETHER SOMETIME????

>>>>>>ALSO I MADE YOU THIS DRAWING B/C WE ARE BESTFRIENDDSSZZSZZZSZZZ

>>>>>>Attachment: IMG_DebbieandHillaryToplesswhileridingHorses_69.jpeg

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To: DWS@dnc.com

From: hclinton92@geocities.com

Subject: DNC Leaks

Debbie,

It’s come to my attention that there’s been some pretty unfortunate behavior at the DNC regarding the election, specifically favoritism for me in the primary. While flattering, I don’t know if it helps us in the long run. I’d love to set up a meeting to chat about this so we can reassure voters the best, most impartial people are in place.

Regards,

Hillary

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John Loos (@JohnLoosWins) is a staunch supporter of replacing the entire American system of government with Michelle Obama. Visit johnlooscomedy.com.