Here Comes Brie Larson to Ruin My Childhood Memories of Me Having No Memories of a Strong Female Role Model In My Childhood

By Zachary Theodore Clemmins-Rouche, Activist, Social Critic, Gamer, Internet Personality, Frequent YouTube Commenter, Gentleman

Here we go again…

First it was Ghostbusters (more like Ball Busters), which had to come along and dress my childhood heroes up in pretty frilly dresses and have them prance around New York, squealing and giggling and busting ghosts with Cindi Lauper blasting the whole time. That’s what I’m rightfully assuming, as I will not debase myself to ever see that movie.

And now here comes Brie Larson to ruin my childhood memories of me having no childhood memories of a strong female role model.

So Brie Larson. (More like Kree Larson, as Captain Marvel received her powers when her genetic structure was altered due to the concussive blast of a psyche-magneton device made by the alien race called the Kree. Not that you would know that if you were a woman, unless you’re one of those girls pretending that you’re “so into comics” to get my affections and then acts all offended when I merely harass them.)

Let us address the elephant in the room: I am NOT sexist. I have many female friend zones. My problem isn’t that they’re women, it’s that they just have to FLAUNT it! Why should I have to be subjected to that, as an American? Can’t they just be women in the privacy of my own home? Why can’t they just be attractive side characters of no consequence so that I can continue to subconsciously/consciously see myself as above them--and thus more important and powerful--in order to avoid feeling uncomfortable with my own lack of self worth whilst simultaneously projecting those painful feelings onto them based on their perceived and media/entertainment reinforced weaknesses?

I’ll tell you why. Because for a woman, it’s NEVER enough!

I mean really, I just don’t get it. I’m a nice guy! And doesn’t being nice entitle me to the love and affection of women? Especially if I’m her manager! I mean, how many nice managers have you met? It’s not like being nice is the bare minimum expected of decent people or anything.

Seriously, I’ve tried everything! I gave her my number within the first five minutes of meeting her while she was interviewing for the job, which shows initiative. I repeatedly compliment her on her physical attributes while she’s working register. I never pressure her with questions about who she is or what her interests are. I even pay her less than her male colleagues so she doesn’t feel like she has to work so hard! Oh and, of course, negging.

Still nothing.

Anyways, I’ve made my case pretty clear and iron clad. I really don’t see how anyone can still read this and think that strong female role models are so important.

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Peter Kremidas is a graduate of The Second City Conservatory, The Severn Darden Graduate program where he performed with Bluff, The School at Steppenwolf, iO, and The Annoyance. His one man show Roots and Branches: An Untrue Story Based on Several True Ones premieres September 8th at The Public House Theatre.