Other "Kaines" Vetted by Hillary Clinton’s Campaign Team

Tim Kaine is now the Democratic vice-presidential nominee. By almost all accounts, the affable former mayor, governor and current Virginia senator was a solid, centrist choice in a bonkers election cycle in which life imitates bad Dadaist performance art.

But was he the best Kaine for the job?

You may be surprised to learn that Hillary vetted a number of other Kaines before settling on Tim. (Why did she vet so many Kaines, you ask? Stop overthinking it.) Since she used her personal Angelfire email account with the password “PASSWORD,” we immediately hacked in Russian spies to see how each of her short list fared:

FROM: Hillary Clinton <imwithme@angelfire.com>

SUBJECT: VP Patrick Kane?

Chicago Blackhawks player. Promising upstarts. The only "right winger" I’d consider. GET IT??

-H

FROM: Hillary Staff <Staff@unnamedserver.gov>

SUBJECT: RE: VP Patrick Kane?

Ineligible. He’s only 26. You have Donna Karan pantsuits older than that.

You’re very humorous as always, ma’am.

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FROM: Hillary Clinton <imwithme@angelfire.com>

SUBJECT: Michael Caine Veepstakes

Michael Caine?? Love him. Projects warmth and gravitas.

-Hillz

FROM: Hillary Staff <Staff@unnamedserver.gov>

SUBJECT: RE: Michael Caine Veepstakes

Sir Michael Caine is British and therefore ineligible. Like the idea, though.

FROM: Hillary Clinton <imwithme@angelfire.com>

SUBJECT: RE: RE: Michael Caine Veepstakes

HE’S BRITISH?? Huh. I always thought he was doing a funny impression, like when I do my impression of someone who loves to laugh.

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FROM: Hillary Clinton <imwithme@angelfire.com>

SUBJECT: Dean Cain VP Eval

I like Dean. He’s the only Superman in recent memory that didn’t send me into a depressed spiral of whatever I do instead of crying. He’s likeable, and that face will play well on TV. Vet him?

-HRC

FROM: Hillary Staff <Staff@unnamedserver.gov>

SUBJECT: RE: Dean Cain VP Eval

Heard he’s GOP. Tried to set up an exploratory meeting anyway, but no one knows where he is now.

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FROM: Hillary Clinton <imwithme@angelfire.com>

SUBJECT: Kane the Wrestler Veep???

What about Kane, WWE Grand Slam champion? Knows how to win. Could match Trump’s energy. Also bodyslams could be GR8 as a real-time fact-checker during debates. Wrestler veep could help us turn the tide with the Deep South Arby’s employee vote. NEED THAT DEMO, it’s big.

-Notorious HRC (trying out fun nicknames to keep up morale)

FROM: Hillary Staff <Staff@unnamedserver.gov>

SUBJECT: RE: Kane the Wrestler Veep???

No go. Also a Republican, considering running for mayor of Knoxville. Once went by stage name Mike Unabomb. Once threw a firebomb at his former manager on stage. You know, standard GOP "2016 edition" stuff.

PS: Maybe keep working on nickname, though we appreciate and strongly encourage your attempts at whimsy!

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FROM: Hillary Clinton <imwithme@angelfire.com>

SUBJECT: Danity Kane VP vetting

Just brainstorming. What about Puff Daddy’s band Danity Kane? All-female ticket, get the youth demo. They’re on my iPod. Good stuff. Listen to them while practicing my warm, fun faces in the mirror.

-GodzHilla

FROM: Hillary Staff <Staff@unnamedserver.gov>

SUBJECT: RE: Danity Kane VP vetting

Feel like we’re getting a little off track, with both short list and potential nicknames. Anyone a bit more well known?

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FROM: Hillary Clinton <imwithme@angelfire.com>

SUBJECT: Kane from Alien

Kane from Alien tho!

FROM: Hillary Staff <Staff@unnamedserver.gov>

SUBJECT: RE: Kane from Alien

I….I’m sorry. Are you suggesting we vet the character from the movie Alien who is known exclusively for having a malevolent alien lay its eggs in his esophagus, and have its baby burst gruesomely from his chest? We could maybe call the guy who played him, I guess, but honestly failing to really “get” this one...

…Need to log off for awhile. Have migraine.

FROM: Hillary Clinton <imwithme@angelfire.com>

SUBJECT: RE: RE: Kane from Alien

LOLZ, no, I was just watching Alien on the campaign bus and wanted to know if you remembered that scene. SAVAGE. That alien just got right in there and broke through the glass ceiling of human egg incubation. Inspiring.

-Hillary Ripley Clinton

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FROM: Hillary Clinton <imwithme@angelfire.com>

SUBJECT: Bane

Found the perfect guy for the job. Tough on crime, bullish on expanding health care access, knows Wall Street, and just the right amount of unhinged to go toe to toe with Trump on Twitter.

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FROM: Hillary Staff <Staff@unnamedserver.gov>

SUBJECT: RE: Kane from Alien

Just announced third-party candidacy this morning. Polling at 38 percent.

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Brooke Preston (@bigu) is a comedy writer and storyteller. Visit brookeprestoncomedy.com.