Grosser Places to Have Sex Than Rio's Olympic Village

The Olympic Village in Rio is prepped and ready for a "Mad Max"-ian orgyland fueled by rampant sports and sex hormones. Athletes will be provided with a record 450,000 condoms to last them the 17-day duration of the games, but with reports of blocked toilets, exposed wires and leaking pipes surfacing [not to mention fire and robberies], it sounds like what should be the Sexiest Place on Earth will actually be, well, straight-up nasty. So is there anywhere grosser to have sex than Rio’s Squalorville? Maybe.

Your gynecologist’s office

I don’t know anyone who has done the deed in stirrups, but if you have, I want to talk to you. Because you’re gross in a way that I am fascinated by.

Death Valley

If you’re having sex in a desert where “death” is literally in the name, you’re assured to see the face of God—because you’re probably taking a good deal of peyote, not to mention being circled by a couple of vultures who can smell the lack of liquid left in your body.

Your high school boyfriend’s basement rec room (as a teen)

Sure, he doesn’t know what he’s doing, and it smells vaguely of mildew and the open bags of Cheetos that are scattered about, but you’re in love! And he has a great record collection—one whole Smiths album!

The Weiner's Circle bathroom

On the one hand, you’ll have a story for years to come. On the other hand, if you’re having sex in the bathroom at Weiner's Circle, you are now officially the grossest thing about Weiner's Circle, and that’s no small feat.

Mount Rushmore

A bunch of old, dead white dudes (who were probably all total pervs) watching you have sex on stolen Native American sacred land? Gross.

Dante’s eighth circle of Hell

Sounds sexy at first, but this one’s the circle of Fraud. So I imagine what happens down there is first you’re having sex with Ryan Gosling, and when you’re just about to orgasm, he turns into Comic Book Guy from "The Simpsons."

Your high school boyfriend’s basement rec room (as an adult)

Sure, it’s your high school reunion, you’re drunk, and no one even noticed just how much more awesome your life has become than theirs, but don’t do it, girl. Because those Cheetos bags on the couch are the same ones from 10 years ago.

Any and all upholstery

First of all, if any fluid lands on it, you’re never getting it out. It will join the MILLIONS of germs per inch that reside in the material and will live there for weeks, feeding on your sloughed-off dead skin cells. Just buy leather furniture, people. It’s a worthwhile investment to be able to have sex on your own couch.

Any bar in Wrigleyville

I once had a messy public breakup on the corner of Clark and Addison. (Gross!) But by far, the grossest part of the night was the woman who interrupted my breakup to hit on my then-pseudo-boyfriend. Later that same night, I saw that same woman enthusiastically copulating with a random dude on the dance floor of another bar. My grandchildren will hear this cautionary tale, because it is the grossest of all.

This post also appears on redeyechicago.com

_________________________________________________________

Amy Young is an improviser, actress and writer.