Chicago is Missing the Boat on These No-Fail Revenue Sources

Mayor Emanuel just proposed raising water and sewer taxes, this time with the intention of saving the Municipal Employees' pension fund. Despite already raising property taxes, instituting a garbage tax, cutting public school funding and practically requesting that Chicagoans directly deposit their entire paychecks into the city’s account, the city is still in a deficit.

So where’s Rahm gonna come up with the cash? Let’s spitball.

‘Stranger Things’ tax

The city should start monitoring and taxing the amount of time residents spend trying to explain "Stranger Things" to co-workers who don’t have Netflix. Because that’s a severely taxing conversation to overhear. For the ninth time.

Riverwalk admission

Those who want to spend their lunch hour lounging on the steps of the Riverwalk while swatting away pigeons should start paying for the experience. Just because it’s free to ogle the animals at Lincoln Park Zoo doesn’t mean the same should be said for ogling sun-burned potbellied men on yachts or kayakers in from the ‘burbs with an about-to-expire Groupon.

Pay-per-piss

An estimated 300,000 concertgoers made their way through Grant Park for Lollapalooza’s 25th hurrah, and most of them probably had to stop and use the porta-potty at some point. You can’t put a price on hearing the nostalgic bands of your youth, but you can make someone swipe a credit card before they take a piss.

Drunk breakup tickets 

If you’re arguing with your significant other anywhere in the proximity of the corner of Clark and Addison, your asses are getting a ticket. The end. Wrigleyville should expect tremendous surges in revenue every Thursday, Friday and Saturday night between the hours of 11 p.m. and 4 a.m.

Merchandise Mart architectural inconvenience fee

Effective immediately, the city should fine the Merch Mart for its bizarre AF layout until someone explains why the business building has an escalator going up—but does not offer one going down. Commuters waste precious minutes stumbling through gaudy kitchen showrooms before they find the "Legends of the Hidden Temple"-esque stairwell. This fine would not only increase revenue, but it also very well may cut down on Chicago’s missing persons cases.

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Ryan Nallen (@theRyanNallen) is an actor, writer and improviser in Chicago. Check out his website at ryannallen.com.