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If you’re planning a rage-fueled mission of vengeance, you’d better get it over with before this Friday at midnight, because Saturday, August 27th is Global Forgiveness Day. Get to work now, because you don’t want to bury an unused hatchet.
Those of you with no enemies may feel left out this weekend. Here are some people, organizations and general concepts in need of forgiveness--so you can participate in this holiday instead of just forgiving throughout the year like some kind of sucker.
Donald Trump
Recently, the Donald has turned around and forgiven Mexican and Black Americans for the stereotypes he previously assigned to them. I think we should follow suit by forgiving him for building a campaign on hate and attempting to appropriate their melanin through spray tan. “Re-tooling” his campaign is the closest Trump will ever come to admitting he made a mistake, so forgiving him is the closest we should ever come to voting for him.
Water
Water is usually our friend, what with the Ice Bucket Challenge and its ability to fill up a Super Soaker. Unfortunately, water was pretty devastating this year and flooded major portions of Louisiana and poisoned the citizens of Flint, Michigan. I believe we should forgive water for this, as it is the government’s job to provide the proper infrastructure. Water has been around for, like, hundreds of years. We have to have gotten to hang of it by now.
Hillary Clinton
I think it’s time we forgave Hillary Clinton for not being charged with a crime. She’s the same age as my dad, and I just taught him how to sign on the Facebook, so I’m not terribly surprised she couldn’t manage emails properly. Heck, most politicians still call it the "World Wide Web," so her ability to hide folders from investigators makes her our most technologically advanced representative ever.
Bill Cosby
It’s pretty obvious at this point that Bill Cosby has more sexual assault victims than film roles. This is frustrating, because it means a beloved family entertainer has a dark side and, apparently, women don’t just make up accusations for attention. If we all forgive him, however, then we can continue to enjoy his work, just like we’re currently doing with Johnny Depp and Louis C.K.!
My Debt
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The Police
There were many police shootings called into question this year, and you may be surprised to hear me say that it is the police who should be forgiven for them. The thing is, the activists behind Black Lives Matter actually care about the lives of Black citizens. Many politicians who taut Blue Lives Matter, however, have voted down regulations to properly train, equip, supervise and hire police officers to keep both sides safe. Since no one is working to make things better, we’ve got to learn to forgive these police officers. We should have plenty of opportunities to do so in the future.
Ryan Lochte
While Speedo might not let bygones be bygones, I believe we can take the higher road. If we just forgive Ryan Lochte, we could focus on all the amazing things that happened in the 2016 Olympics, like the first Black woman to win an individual medal in swimming and nobody being poisoned by the Rio pools. Let’s remember the extraordinary--and forget a man lying to hide his destructive behavior, which is pretty run of the mill in 2016.
Marvel
We should forgive Marvel comics for destroying our childhoods by replacing white male characters with…ya know…the rest of humanity. Not only did Marvel reboot Iron Man comics with a young black woman, but they did the same thing to Spider-Man love interest Mary Jane Watson in the new film. We should forgive Marvel for this, though. Guardians of the Galaxy shows how the company likes to glorify overlooked characters, and brilliant and talented Black women are the most underused character type of all.
Jesus
Oh, how the carpentry tables have turned. The guy who was once the MVP of Forgiveness now needs us to let him off the hook for the terrible things done in His name this election season. While Jesus never said anything about homosexuals, evolution, global warming or Mexican walls…we certainly need to forgive the Son of God for all the terrible arguments he’s been associated with. In the future, he should focus his brand back on forgiveness...and try to distance himself from the whole Christian thing.
Terrorists
If you hate terrorists, learn to forgive. It’s a sure-fire way to confirm you’ll never become one.
Death
This is a tough one. Death was really obnoxious this year. Like a bad comedian who doesn’t know when to quit, it kept trying to up itself. However, Death is just doing its job, so let’s just forgive this force of nature, put on some Prince albums (and outfits) and get to work making the next generation of innovators.
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C.J. Tuor is currently at sea performing with Second City Theatricals.
