I Hope My Daughter Grows Up to Be a Straight, White Male

We all want the best for our children, and mothers specifically hope their daughters achieve greater success in their lives than they themselves were able to. My daughter knows she can be whatever she wants to be, but ideally, that will be a straight, white man. Life is hard, but it's certainly less hard for straight, white men, and I want my female child to experience all the power, undue confidence, and ease that comes with it.

Think of all the opportunities she’ll have available to her! Anytime she rides on public transportation, she can take up three seats to comfortably spread her legs, allowing her undeniably large balls to breathe. No other rider would dare question this position either, and instead find another seat to squeeze into.

She'll be able to walk alone anywhere, at any time, never fearing for her life. What woman can say that? None. And frankly, if rape has to exist in this world, I'd like her to be the one doing it, instead of on the receiving end. I wouldn't want something minor like sexual assault to ruin her future by mentally, emotionally and physically scarring her for the rest of her life. Instead, her punishment of a slight slap of the wrist won't leave a real mark. Her future will remain bright and unscathed.

As a straight, white male, her romantic relationships will never been shunned. Heck, she probably won’t even know what a hate crime is, since it’s impossible for one to be committed against her. That’s the kind of assurance I, as her mother, need to know once my baby bird has left the nest.

I’ll never need to worry about whether or not she’s earning a salary commensurate with her experience, or if she has easy access to abortions. And since straight, white men have so many opinions on the reproductive rights of women, I’d prefer one of those people be my daughter.

As a straight white male, she’ll float through life with confidence and ease. She’ll do what she pleases, never self-doubting before speaking or acting out. As a woman, I can only dream of such freedom. And think of all the lucky women who will be on the receiving end of her dick pics! The internet is certainly a man’s world, and if she decides she hates a female gamer or Leslie Jones, I know she will have her voice heard all over Reddit.

What mother wouldn’t want such an outspoken, opinionated daughter?

I only want the best for my daughter, and as a straight, white man, she’ll be set for life, reaping the benefits that all straight, white men undoubtedly deserve--but rarely, if ever, earn on their own. The world is a dark, scary place, but I know my daughter will rise above it all, and I excitedly look forward to the straight, white man she will become.

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Dana Angelo (@Dana_Angelo) is a comedy writer and performer originally from the majestic state of New Jersey.