Taco Trucks on Every Corner Are Just the Beginning

¡Ay Dios Mio! Latinos for Trump co-founder Marco Gutierrez famously warned MSNBC viewers that Latinx culture is threatening to dominate the U.S., and that if we as a nation don’t do something about it soon (like elect Trump president), “You’re going to have taco trucks [on] every corner.”

¡Arriba, Arriba! Could it be true? Are Hispanics taking over like fuller eyebrows, Pokémon Go and EDM? Here are some warning signs to be on the look out for.

Fiestas on every corner

With more latinoamericanos populating our nation, be prepared for mucho, mucho celebration! Weddings, quinceañeras, finally getting that green card! With more friendly neighborhood Hispanics around, you can now live the experience of a South Beach Marc Anthony concert every weekend, no matter where you live. Glue stick your hair back and break out your best mini-falda, ‘cause soon everyone will be partying like the bad-ass chongas we really are. Even you, Margaret in Toledo.

Telemundo takeover

Don’t be surprised if you notice big-budget action movies becoming a little more...picante! Imagine a Puerto Rican Captain America played by my husband Oscar Isaac with a soundtrack by Pitbull. And television shows have already started using the South American soap opera formula—“House of Cards” is basically a telenovela for white people. Watch out for MTV to start airing 22-hour blocks of Shakira and Enrique Iglesias every day, with a two hour break play the 1997 cinematic classic “Selena.” Why Yolanda, why?!?!

Mo’ money, mo’ problemas

If there’s one wall we should be worrying about, it’s Wall Street. With the average yearly income for Hispanic households slowly but surely increasing, expect more Latinx products on the market, like a rise in Vick’s VapoRub sales and a steady decrease in those off-brand cereals they sell in Hispanic grocery stores. Loopis Frutis? Capitan de los berries de Crunch? Arroz Krispies? All horrible.

Revolución!

With more of us taking on big political leadership roles—like Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor, U.S. Representative Joaquin Castro and U.S. senator Marco Rubio— don’t be surprised if the next commander In-chief is as Hispanic as the chefs who work at Chinese restaurants. Imagine your favorite abuelita being appointed a Senate committee chair, after she first puts plastic wrap over herself. With an estimated 55 million Latinx living in the United States, maybe it’s time for that comprehensive immigration reform to take action. We can make it a rule to deport the citizens we don’t like, like Ted Cruz, who is as Hispanic as Taco Bell.

A taco truck on every corner is the natural next step, and we will be helping those who are working so tirelessly to achieve the American Dream…and that dream is to upgrade to a somewhat profitable brick-and-mortar restaurant serving drunk white kids greasy, delicious food at strange hours of the night. God bless the USA.

Follow Diego Sanchez @diegoinchicago) on Twitter.

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The Revolución is coming. Second City’s first-ever all-Latinx variety showcase debuts at the Blackout Cabaret Theatre on Friday, September 30th at 10:30 PM. Ticket and lineup info coming soon.

***If you are a Latinx performer and would like to be considered for a slot in this variety-style showcase, please submit a link to an original piece (sketch, stand-up, music, spoken word, storytelling, etc.) and your contact info to: revolucion@secondcity.com

All submissions must be sent by EOD tomorrow— Friday, September 9th— to be considered.