Jill Soloway Is Wrong: We Should Not Topple the Patriarchy. Calm Down. Everything is Great.

An Op-Ed by Truck VanCar, Elected Duke of Patriarchy and Ted Nugent Enthusiast

Hello.

This past Sunday, Jill Soloway won an Emmy for her direction on the show Transparent. Upon her victory she shouted, “Topple the patriarchy!” on live television where children could see it. Or, even worse, have it explained to them.

But let me propose a counterpoint: No, we shouldn’t.

It’s okay. Everything is great. Stop it.

Now, I get it. Sometimes people--in moments of high emotion--will say or do things uncouth. Michael Jordan won an NBA championship and then cried. As Elected Duke of Patriarchy, I long ago decreed that men showing emotion is bad. And yet, despite the snot and spittle he slathered all over the Larry O’Brien, we forgave him, because sports.

Jill Soloway is not sports.

So, no. Let’s not topple anything. It doesn’t make sense.

Hear me out on this. No, we shouldn’t.

Okay, now you’re getting upset. It’s hard to talk to you when you’re like this. Just calm down. I’m trying to talk to you about systemic gender based oppression and you’re getting all emotional about it. What? No, I’m not yelling. You’re the one yelling. You sound like your mother.

Stop it.

Okay, fine. I’ll do you a favor. I’m listening. Okay, so there’s a wage gap. You seem upset. People are being forced into roles they might not be comfortable with? Okay. Hush now. A double standard for sexual promiscuity? Please stop shouting. There’s no reason to be upset. You put up with street harassment on a daily basis? Well, I’ve never personally dealt with that. I don’t get why you’re so angry. Hmm? A qualified woman could lose the presidential election to a colony of racist vampire bats in a man suit in large part due to sexism?

Your voice is high pitched. And Breasts.

Okay, that’s quite enough. Me me my turn waa waa I am the big strong man here you stop. You’re wasting time while I have a conversation to dictate. Bats are intelligent creatures. A third grade reading level, so I’ve heard. Plus he’s rebooting "America Great." He’s going to make it again. Not a sequel. Have you considered that?

Okay, so I’ve listened to you. Taken in all your points. And given them careful consideration. And here is what I have concluded:

Eh. No.

We’re great. There is no need to topple anything. We’ve build a Himpire here and it’s all flying smooth. And great. And for that you are welcome. You’re welcome.

Why are you crying?

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Peter Kremidas is a graduate of The Second City Conservatory, The Severn Darden Graduate program where he performed with Bluff, The School at Steppenwolf, iO, and The Annoyance.