Have Your Best Shame Spiral Ever!

You might not have guessed it, but September is Self Improvement Month. Perhaps you didn’t know because you've been too busy feeling swallowed by your own inadequacy and pumpkin spice everything. Hey, there's a few days of September left, so why not have your best shame spiral ever?

You can do it! Here's how in eight easy steps!

Don’t tell anyone it's starting

The best anxiety fits are those stifled so deeply you barely notice them. When your hair starts falling out and the chattering of your teeth begins to disturb others on the train, you’ll know you’ve really mastered the fine art of internal self-flagellation.

Panic in public

Everyone gets nervous and sad sometimes. However, to have your best panic attack ever, take it somewhere fun. Busy fast-casual restaurants and deserted public libraries are classics. Bonus points if a passing 46-year-old notices your shaking fetal-positioned Gollum body and mutters, “millennials."

Open up to others...by taking it out on them

Feeling like you’ve squandered every career and relationship opportunity thrown your way? Improve yourself by taking it out on friends and loved ones. After throwing your mom’s tenth “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” talk back in her face, you will have earned your place as the Family Crazy once and for all. The position doesn’t come with a trophy, but it does come with the fear of your nieces and nephews.

Allow romantic relationships to fester

What could make this steaming shit sandwich of a month worse? Sleeping through it alone. And you could create that for yourself! Try incessantly pointing out all the reasons your boyfriend should leave you until he actually considers it seriously.

Don’t just eat your feelings, eat everything

Whether you’re in the midst of a career downturn, the beginnings of seasonal affective disorder or fear that an elected Donald Trump will change all women’s social status to that of “breeding dairy cow,” nothing says you’re leaning into it like a snack. And why stop at Funyus and Diet Dr. Pepper? You’re not really doing poorly until you’ve eaten the curtains.

Meditate

One of the most popular yet least scientifically sound methods of self-improvement is The Secret. If you’re really ready to become the hottest of messes this September, try meditating on a specific visualization of yourself. I like, I will die alone and penniless, having created nothing of value. But get creative! This is your shame spiral!

Feed the trolls

When no one else understands why your self-esteem is taking a nosedive, the internet will be there.  Men in the most unsavory corners of Twitter almost certainly have already thought of some reasons to hate you that you haven’t even thought of yet! And they're share those reasons with you--totally for free!

Make an appointment with a therapist

Get really offended when she rolls her eyes and lets you know that you are, in fact, not even remotely the worst she’s seen. You can always try again next September.

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Amy Young is an improviser, actress and writer.